God’s Cathedral::Chapter six

Mercy Me floats softly through the air of my apartment as I pick up my journal and climb into bed. With a slight crack of the binding, I open my Bible to the gospel of Matthew and begin to read where I left off on Tuesday. The story is interesting, but I don’t really feel changed by it. I try to read a few chapters like they are a book then go back through and take notes on the points that stand out. When I am finished my journal is filled with scribbles – most of them about Jesus’ love for the world. I carefully think through the instructions He gives for living. If I act like a Christian will the rest fall into place?

But that’s what you’ve been doing all of your life and it didn’t work.

I know….but what else can I do?

Just read.

My conscience has taken on a new role in my life. Normally, my mental promptings revolve around appropriate behavior, but lately the inner voice has taken on a new tone. Almost forceful, but filled with gentle peace. My own voice is heard but a calmer, softer version. I focus back on the red print:

“Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

I slump into my pillows and close my eyes tight hoping to stop the tears pushing through. The harder I try the more determine they are to get out. I have failed the two commandments and yet they are the greatest. Have I ever loved God with all of my heart? I know for sure that I have never loved my neighbor in such a way. And just who is a neighbor? Is Austin? I want to hate him. I want him to leave my heart forever. I hate his effect on me. I know these feelings are not love. No, my thoughts towards him are nothing like Christ’s thoughts.

I close my Bible unsure if I can do this. The thoughts bouncing around in my head are enough for now. I need a diversion — email. I click on the new message from Thomas, dated yesterday.

Sapphira,

I just thought I’d check up on you and see how the reading is going. I pray God is giving you comfort through His powerful Word.  It might be tough to get started and to set up the habit  – the devil will try to stop you and he will attack you from all side. Pray for strength to fight him. God wants the best for you and He will not allow Satan to tempt you more than you can handle. When things are tough check out James 1:12.

In His Name, Thomas.

PS – I am looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday. I would love to hear how things are going.

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” I read the verse aloud. Without further hesitation I am back in Matthew and reading once more. The woman with the alabaster jar, the last supper, Christ’s trial and death, and finally His resurrection. I get through it all. I feel light and happy when I shut the book, but is it from the message or the sense of accomplishment? Do I really believe? Did God fill me with faith while reading. I am sure he has. I believe. I know I do.

How could I not after reading such powerful words.

I jump from my bed, as if to punctuate my thoughts, to give them meaning and action. The clock lets me know I have just enough time to get dressed and get over to the party for Thomas. I am full of eager energy; I can’t wait to tell him about my new found faith! He will be happy for me. I know he will.

I dress modestly – simple summer dress, cardigan. and low heels. As I walk out of my apartment the hallway seems to stretch forever. I can see the bright Texas sky cheering me on. I pull open the door and step into the parking lot, sliding my large sunglasses over my eyes. I turn in the direction of my car.

My heart stops as I spot them. Janna making out by her SUV, which is parked right next to my coupe. The guy’s back is to me but I know that form. The dark hair, those clothes. My hands had once been sliding over those shoulders, just as Janna’s are now. She stops as she looks up at me. A smile that can be called nothing but sinister spreads across her face then quickly fades away. She pushes Austin away from her and straightens her skirt. He tries to pull her back towards him, but she clears her throat and nods at me.

He turns. I feel the heat swell up from my stomach and into my cheeks as if I finally realized that it was over one hundred degrees outside. What had moments earlier seemed like a beautiful day seemed blindingly bright and oppressively hot.

“Sapphira!” he almost spits it in his shock. I stand motionless, my mind running in multiple directions, pulling all my thoughts away from each other. The knot in my stomach grows quickly. He is walking towards me. Should I run or just coolly walk to my car. Or maybe turn back into the building. I could hide in my room. A dozen questions, but no answers. Then suddenly, clarity. “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trail because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”

Love thy neighbor.

I swallow hard and move towards him. I manage a smile.

“Austin, how are you?” My cheeriness shocks me.

“I’m…glad to see you.” He draws it out.

“I’m sure you are. When did you get into town.” I pass him and continue to walk towards my car. He follows me — he cannot stand to be written off or ignored.

“Today, just a few minutes ago. Um, Janna just came out to meet me.”

“So I saw. What a welcome.” I cringe at the dry sarcasm that betrays my bitterness. So much for loving my neighbor. Change the subject. “Are you moving into your new house?”

“Yeah. There was nothing going on at home so I decided it would be more interesting to be here for the rest of the summer.”

“Hmm.” I unlock the car and reach for the handle. He places his hand over mine to stop me from opening the door. I pull it away slowly and turn to him.

“Where are you headed?  You look dressed for church.”

“I am. We have a new vicar. I am on my way to his welcome party.”

“We have a vicar!?! Aren’t we a bit…small for that?”

“I guess not.” I open the car door and sit down. Austin places his hand on the roof and leans down towards me.

“I want to meet him. I’m coming with you.” Before I have time to protest he runs to the other side and rips open the door. “Wait let me talk to Janna.”

I start the car and grip the steering wheel. Now’s my chance to drive away. No, I must love my neighbor. God, what are you trying to do to me? He didn’t even ask. So like him. I turn and look at the couple. Janna is clearly annoyed that he’s ditching her for a church function. I’m sure he’s telling her he’ll make it up in some amazing way. Maybe dinner at Veritas or some quality couple time. It was his classic line..at least with me. And I fell for it, time and again. Apparently so is Janna. She smiles, kisses him. He runs back to my car.

“Is everything ok?” I smile as he slides in.

“Yeah, she wasn’t too happy that I was leaving just after I arrived but I promised her a wonderful night out when I get back.”

“Veritas?”

“Yeah,” he frowns as I turn my head to back out of my space. “Am I that predictable?”

“Austin, we dated for a long time. I know all of your tricks.”

“Sapphira…” he pleads. I knew that would hit him hard. He always did like to maintain his reputation of ladies’ man and that included the element of surprise. Lately, he’s become a bit sloppy.

“Don’t even start with me. I’m not in the mood.” I peel out of the parking lot and speed the whole way to church. I grip the wheel so hard my knuckles turn white and my hands hurt. If God truly loved me He would not be allowing me to hurt so much. He does not care about me! Why would He let me down so much if he did?

We arrive at church and I whip into a parking space. I slam the car into park before it has stopped moving causing it to jerk violently before stopping completely. I jump out and slam the door. I am almost to the building before Austin has even finished getting out of the car. So much for acting calm. So much for loving my neighbor.

Thomas is at the door waiting to greet guests when I walk in. He immediately catches the anger in my face, “Sapphira, what’s wrong?” He lays a hand on my shoulder and stares down at me. I look away hoping to hide the tears that start to burn my eyes. I breath in and just as I’m about to answer, I hear the door open. I resist the urge to turn and look at Austin, but out of the corner of my eye I see Thomas turn towards him. A shadow quickly flashes over his eyes, I assume he realizes who just walked in.

“Hey man. You must be the new vicar. I’m Austin Henessy.” I straighten up and look at Austin as he introduces himself. I can see the jealousy in the tense set of his mouth. Thomas steps towards him and grips his hand.

“Thomas Lawson. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Austin.”

“So do I call you Vicar or what?”

“You can call me Vicar if you want, but you can just call me Thomas.”

“Great!” Austin inched closer to me. I almost expected him to wrap his arm around me out of habit. He’d always do that when he’d get jealous. I can tell from every aspect of his body language that he doesn’t like Thomas; he seems jealous. Maybe he isn’t ready to let go of me yet. Maybe he’s dating Janna to make me jealous. Maybe…

“Pastor Lawson lead me to believe that Sapphira would be the only college student in town for the summer.”

“Yeah, sorry to disappoint ya but things got boring at home, so I decided to come back up and move into my new house a bit early. Plus I was missing my girlfriend.”

I jerk my head to look at Austin. He doesn’t explain just who his girlfriend is these days. Thomas looks at him and back at me. I raise my eyebrows and shake my head just slightly to show my own confusion.

“Well, I am gonna go say hi to Pastor. Haven’t seen him a few months.” Austin squeezes my shoulder as he walks past me; he winks at Thomas.

“Sapphira, what’s going on?” Thomas whispered to me after Austin had moved further down the hallway. I turn, open the door and step outside to get more privacy. Thomas follows and we sit down on the bench just outside the entry.

“I was on my way to my car when i saw him. He was making out with one of my friends,” I can no longer hold back my tears and they start cloud my eyes and roll down my cheeks. “I tried to be polite to him despite my feelings. I told him where I was going and he decided to come as well. He never asked if it was ok, just got in my car and said he was coming with me.”

“So is this friend of yours his new girlfriend?”

“Yes. I guess. Janna, a girl I used to be really good friends with. I know she’s doing it to get back at me for something I said a few days ago, but I just didn’t expect her to sink this low. I mean, the thought crossed my mind, but I didn’t believe it would actually happen.” I cover my face, burying it in my hands, my elbows rest on my knees for support. “I was so happy too. I was so eager to tell you about my afternoon reading Matthew and how I felt like I was beginning to believe. I read your email and…” sobs over take the rest of my words. I feel  Thomas wrap his arm over my shoulder. At first I tense up, shocked by the action, but then, almost without thinking, I turn my face into his shoulder. It might be a bad idea, but at this moment I could careless. For once it feels like someone cares back for me. Thomas does not say anything much to my relief. He simply rubs my arm and lets me cry.