God’s Cathedral::Chapter Eight

A large bruise is all I see. The greenish-purple mass spreads over most of my cheek and under my eye. The right side of my face is swollen. I dot foundation over the mark, powder it, and add more foundation. Nothing helps. It is still painful…and very obvious.

How in the world can I go to class like this?

Yesterday spoke of promise; today speaks of my despair. Austin is back in my life. God has failed me again. Just as I seem to get some footing in my climb back to Him, He knocks me back down to hell. Is this the curse of my name haunting me? Sapphira. Sure it means beautiful, but not in a good way. It seems that I can only be beautiful on the outside…the part that doesn’t really matter in the end. How can I be beautiful in God’s sight when I know I struggle to believe in Him?

I banish my disparaging thoughts and grab a baseball cap. I pull it down as far as possible, and hope, pray that the shadow of the bill hides the bruise.

The classroom is empty when I arrive so I pick a back row seat. After I get comfortable, people start to file in one by one, so I slump down and pull my book higher. As the professor starts to speak I slump over towards my notes and never look back up. I take notes, but not once do I get a look at the slides the prof is whipping through. She is just as eager as us college students to get out of the classroom. That’s why I love summer school. She stops and dismisses us. I wait for the class empty and then pick up my stuff and rush out. Keeping my head down, I never do see the person I slam into, our papers and notebooks fly as we crash together. I spout out apologies as I squat down, head lowered, and pick up the fallen items.

“Sapphira?” It’s Thomas. I tense and lower my head even more.

“Hey.”

“I didn’t recognize you with the cap! I was hoping to, uh, bump into you.” he chuckles at his lame joke.

“Huh, really.” I whisper.

“Yeah, um…wanna grab some lunch? I’m starving and I’d love to discuss some stuff with you?”

“I really can’t, but thanks!” I try to sound perky.

“Is everything…ok?” I guess I failed at trying to sound perky. Thomas bends down a bit and tries to see my face, but I pull it to the side so that he cannot see the bruise. “What’s going on, Sapphira?”

“Nothing.” I turn to walk away. I realize as I do it that I turned the bruised side towards him. He grabs my shoulder.  I decide it’s too late to hide it so I straighten up. He inspects the bruise and frowns, a crease appears between his eyes.

“Ok, I get it. I’ll just walk you to your car.” I nod and we start out together, slowly. Neither of us know what to say, so we walk in silence. I can feel the anger coming from Thomas. I know he hates Austin. I can see it all over his tense shoulders and scowling face.

We got to my car. Thomas opened the door as soon as I clicked the unlock button on my key fob. I turned to him: “I want to talk, but I don’t know anywhere dark and secluded that won’t but you in a precarious situation. I know as the vicar you have to be careful about what people think. I don’t want anyone to have reason to question your reputation.”

“I appreciate that, but I think I know where we can go. There is a coffee shop by the church that doesn’t usually have many people in it. It’s called Beans. Do you know where that is?”

“Yeah, I’ll drive since we are at my car already.” Moments later we sit down at Beans, two caffe americanos steaming in front of us. Despite the lack of other coffee shop customers, I hang my head slightly.

“Why did you come to class today?”

“I heard the lecture would be interesting.” He says quickly and sips on the hot espresso drink.

“You are not a good liar.” He chokes a bit, and tries to swallow. I was too forward. “I’m glad you did.”

It was easy to say…much easier than I thought it would be. No underlying tones, not hints at more. I wasn’t flirting. It was just pure appreciation for him as a person. I hope he doesn’t see too much into it.

“Could you explain to me what God is doing? Then, maybe, I could trust Him.” I seem to catch him a bit off guard. He wrinkles his brow again and finishes off more of his drink.

“He has a grand plan, Sapphira. We cannot see it or understand it, but everything He does is for the good of the ones He loves.”

“That seems a bit like a cop-out.” Thomas opens his mouth to speak, but I stop him. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. “If it was for our good, why does it have to hurt so much?”

“I don’t have the right answer to that. I hav no idea what God is trying to do in your life. What I do know is that He uses trials to bring us closer to Him. He wants to show us that we need Him: ‘For when I am weak, then I am strong.’ God wants us to lean on Him, to get our support and strength from Him. If we are happy and able to handle things on our own, then we don’t know how much we need God. He does give us seasons of happiness where everything seems ok, but because He loves us He wants to draw us near. The most important thing in life is your relationship with Christ. If God has to use pain to point us back to Him, he will use pain. Everything that happens to us is done so that we will turn to Him with praise and thanksgiving.”

“I think He’s cursing me because I don’t believe.”

“You know who Paul is right?”

“yeah, he wrote most of the New Testament, right?”

“Right. Well, Paul did a lot for the early church. He was an amazing servant and glorified God’s name in many ways, and yet, God stuck Paul with a problem. A ‘thorn in my flesh’ he called it. Paul pleaded that God would take it away, but instead God said ‘my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’. God wanted Paul and others to see that no matter who you are you need Him and when He strengthens you it is a display of His grace and power. through this we can rejoice.”

Through his whole monologue I stare down at the black coffee. It’s darkness contrasts so brilliantly with the white porcelain of the cup. Tears start to cloud my eyes, but I still look up at Thomas.

“Rejoice.” I pause and sip the drink, hoping the tears would not fall. Pull it together, I’m in public. Too late… “Why would I rejoice at this pain?”

“Because the suffering God allows us to go through teaches us to persevere and through perseverance hope is born. It also gives us a small idea of the suffering Christ went through on the cross. When we feel like we can’t take it anymore, we have to look at Christ and know that what we are going through is nothing compared to what He did. And we must remember that He did it all because of His great love for us.”

I stop focusing on Thomas’ face so that I can pick through the words he just spoke. My eyes are trained on him, but all is blurry. My thoughts are all I see. Why would any man love me that much. My experiences with Man have proven that love is not selfless or given for free. Why would this man be any different? My name is a curse, as is my life. I feel doomed to a small hell on earth. The one man I love, doesn’t love me. Could anything be more devastating? I had seen him kissing Janna, he had yelled at me, and above all he had hit me hard enough to leave a mark, on my face as well as my heart. I can’t believe even if I want to. Something is wrong with me. God has surely damned me.

The darker voice returns to my thoughts: You shouldn’t be sitting with this pure man, this vicar. Your curse will surely wear off onto him. He’s a man of God and should have nothing to do with you. The darkness from earlier keeps in and welds up inside of me, choking my thoughts, clouding my mind. I feel like something sharp is squeezing my heart and mind into nothing. I stand quickly, almost knocking over the chair.

“Thomas, I shouldn’t…that is, I mean…I should get back to my room and work on some homework. Thanks for talking with me. You made me feel much better.” I force a smile and dart from the coffee-house before he can protest. I get to my car and notice that he doesn’t follow me.