God’s Cathedral::Chapter Nine

I sit in my car for a moment. His car is still on campus and it’s too far of a walk for him. Granted, he’s right by the church so Pastor could take him. But that would be selfish of me. I’m running away like I always do. I place my forehead on the steering wheel as I debate what to do. I’m being selfish and overly dramatic. What am I so scared of? Thomas is harmless….

But my feelings aren’t.

I look up and see him stand from the table. He picks up the cups and hands them to the barista before stepping out of the coffee shop. He stops in front of my car and shrugs. Be fearless.

I unlock the doors and motion for him to get in. He smiles and follows my direction.

“I’m not going to ask. I have a feeling you don’t want any advice or help right now.” He says matter-of-factly while he clicks his seatbelt in place. “Plus, I don’t think I can give you advice without ulterior motives.”

I shift back nervously and pull out on to the street.

“What do you mean ‘ulterior motives’?” I keep my eyes straight ahead.  I want him to be completely honest with me. I need to be honest with myself. I barely know this guy but I am fighting myself over feelings. I don’t want to like someone. I don’t want to deal with this along with a spiritual struggle.

“I mean I like you, Sapphira. I realize it’s not in either of our best interests. Plus, I don’t know you. We have some sort of connection over your struggles and I cannot tell if this is actual feelings or if it’s an illusion based on my quasi-counseling. Pastor warned me this could happen, but he also thought it would be a good idea for me to get the experience. I want to help you, but I think I’m going to have to bow out on this. You need real help from a full pastor with experience if you want to work on understanding your faith struggle. I cannot help you with this.”

He has feelings for me. Sorta. Maybe. He’s not sure. I’m not sure either.

“Ok.” We turn out on to the main highway.

“Ok what? You have to be honest with me … and yourself. What are you Ok about?”

“Ok. I get that you need to turn me over to Pastor.”

Silence. He nods but keeps looking at me. I take a quick sideways glance and he raises his eyebrows. I shrug slightly and keep driving. What is normally a short drive seems to take forever.

“Ok.” He leans back. I pull closer to campus. I turn into the parking lot while my stomach tightens. I bite my lip. Do I tell him? He doesn’t think we should be together. But he was honest. Maybe I should be as well. I sigh.  I swing around in the parking lot and pull back out onto the feeder road.

“You confused?” he smiles a bit sarcastically. He’s mad.

“No, I’m just not ready to drop you off. I’m getting the guts together to tell you what I want to say.”

“Maybe you should park first.”

“No, I want to drive for a while.” I turn on the music to kill the silence. I decide to tell him but I feel the need to get a bit farther from campus. I can’t explain my desire to do so but I feel like driving to the sister town ten minutes away. I get back on the highway. He starts to sing along with the music. He sings loudly, slightly off-key. I know he’s a better singer than that. He’s trying to put me at ease, I guess.  I join him. We sing until I pull into a used books store.

“This is my favorite place in town. I like the smell of the books.” I get out and walk into the store. Thomas follows me, he seems annoyed, but that’s ok.

“Hey Jo!” I call to the older woman at the counter.  Her white hair is tinged with purple and her oversized paste jewelry gives away her artistic sensibilities. “This is my friend Thomas. He’s studying to be a pastor.” I wave at him as he steps through the door.

“Hey Tommy. Nice to meet you! I‘m Jo.” Jo laughs, a huge welcoming smile on her face.

“Nice to meet you Jo.” He walks over a shakes her hand.

“Sapphira, y’all can go out back and I’ll bring some treats.”

“Thanks.” Thomas looks confused. I reach for his hand. I have never been one for anything less than a show. Austin took all I had to offer and just about killed my personality. I decided that it was safe to be myself with Thomas. I don’t know why I decided this, but sometime while driving, while praying, while singing, I felt like God told me to finally let go and just be.

Thomas didn’t retract his hand or flinch. He squeezed my hand and followed. I pushed open the back door. The smell of the roses was almost overwhelming. A hint of Carolina Jessamine blew past us in the breeze. Thomas’ eye were a bit wider than usual as he took in the small but wild garden.  The pea gravel walk crunched under our shoes as we made our way to the café table.

“Sapphira, you don’t do anything normally do you?”

“Not really.” I sit down in the cloth slung chairs. “I used to. Well, I should say, I tried to. With Austin. With my mom. No one has ever allowed me to just be me.”

“Maybe you haven’t allowed yourself to just be you.”

“Maybe not.” I feel the sting of tears, but Jo sweeps out the back door with a glass jar of tea and two cups.  She sets the cups down and  pours us drinks.

“So Tommy, why are you studying to be a pastor?” She asks as she hands him a full cup.

“Because I love Jesus and I want to tell others about him.” He says simply, confidently. He’s probably never had a problem being himself.

“Perfect. That’s all I need to know. You take care of my Sapphira. I’m going back inside in case a customer comes.” She pats me on the head and walks away. Thomas and I sip our drinks.

“Ok, I’ve got to know why we are here and who this lady is.”

“I met Jo when I was a freshman, my first week of school. I was exploring the area and stumbled upon this place. She was friendly and I would come back every few weeks to see her. She’s one of the only people I’m ok to be myself around. She’s a bit like me. Overly dramatic, a bit crazy in some ways. But unlike me she was able to give up the things that made her feel trapped. She came from a big wealthy family in South Texas. Ranchers. She didn’t fit in with their lifestyle, so after college she married an artist and lived in a hippie commune for a while. He left her so she decided to open up this book store. She said she always loved books so she decided to just hang out with them and never love again…or so she says. But I think she’s still going to find her love. She’s a hopeless romantic.”

“She’s a lot like you, huh.”

“I guess so.” I sipped the tea, stalling.

“So why did you bring me here?” He won’t let me stall.

“Because this is where I feel most at home and so I figured I’d be more comfortable…and honest…talking with you here. I like you too, Thomas. I’m struggling with it though because like you said, it’s not the best at the moment. And I’m not over Austin. I hate him and desperately want to be over him, but he caused major damage to my heart. And yes, maybe I am too passionate and overly dramatic, but that’s just honestly how I feel.

“I am a people-pleaser. All my life I have lived making choices based on what I think other people expect of me. Some of those expectations are real and I’m sure most of them are assumed expectations that I have imposed on myself in an effort to be the perfect child or the perfect whatever. It’s exhausting though. It wears my emotions out.

“For a short while I gave up on pleasing people. I rebelled against my mom and against Austin at times, but that made me feel worse. I can’t seem to figure out exactly who I am or how to live. It seems easier to just go with what I think other people want from me. I used to enjoy church. I loved the liturgy, the beauty of the stained glass windows and the way the colored lights sliced through the smoke that curls from the candles. Somewhere along the way, that joy just died. I don’t know when exactly. Maybe when Austin started to get really critical of me.

“He would tell me I was gaining weight or something. The only time he’d tell me I was beautiful was when I’d make out with him…a few times we came close to having sex but even when he’d try to convince me with the loveliest of compliments, something inside me stopped me from going that far. When we broke up I felt horrible. I had never messed around with a guy before Austin. I felt like a slut, used, and dirty. I know what we did is tame compared to the worldly values most people have but it still haunts me. What makes me feel worse though is that I became so dependent on his words, his compliments, that he was able to manipulate me and my self-esteem.”

I sighed. It felt good to finally get that out.

“I do not trust myself with another guy yet. I am too easy to manipulate and I recognize that. So until I am able to be confident in who I am, not who I’m with and what they say about me, I feel unfit to be in a relationship. Also, I am not fit for a pastor-to-be.”

“What makes you think I don’t have my own issues?”

“I don’t know…I just guess I assumed you were perfect. You have gone to a religious school all your life. You love Jesus.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t make me perfect. I’m far from it. Eliza and I didn’t have the most pure and godly of relationships. I mean when never had sex either, but we struggled. Our struggle was one of the issues that led to our break up.”

“I thought she cheated on you.”

“Well, eventually. But it started before that. She had dated other guys before me. She was a bit more…um, advanced, in experience and was a bit pushy to tell you the truth. And let me just say, for guys there is nothing more difficult and tempting that a girl who is ready to do just about anything with you. It took a lot of prayer and strength from God to resist all that Eliza offered up. I think that’s why she cheated on me.

“She had struggles of her own. Her father never showed her any love. He was harsh and didn’t exactly treat her and her mother in a loving way. I think that’s why Eliza struggled with guys and sexuality. She needed to have a guy show her love, tell her she’s worthy. She put on a good show of being Miss Perfect, but inside she was a mess. Once I noticed that she had cuts on her upper arm. We had a huge fight because I reported it to the school nurse and they asked her to take counseling.  She swore it was the only time she ever did it and it was only as an experiment because she had read about other girls who did that and she wanted to be able to sympathize with them. I have no idea what her motives were. Anyway, I thought I could save Eliza and be that kind man who loved her and gave her, emotionally, what her father refused to give. It didn’t work out.

“It was for the best though. She’s better now. Healthy and in love. I think my attempts to save her only hurt her. I couldn’t be her savior. Only Jesus can be our Savior.”

We sat alone and watched the shadows of the oak tree stretch across the pea gravel. I suddenly got the giggles. Uncontrollable giggles. Thomas began to laugh as well.

“Looks like everyone has their own mess to deal with.” I said touching my bruised face lightly after I got myself under control. Laughing made it hurt.

“If we didn’t, we wouldn’t need Jesus.”

“Yup.”

“So you like me too?” Thomas said simply. He stared at me over the edge of his cup as he took a gulp.

“Yes.”

“Looks like we are in a pickle. My uncle won’t like this.”

“Why? Are we doing something about it?”

“No, but he’s already suspicious and I think he’ll get the confirmation he needs when I step back from helping you.”

“Well, that’s ok. He can think whatever he wants. I’m tired of worrying about what other people think of me. I am ready to be free of that issue.”

“So who are you?”

“I don’t think I really know.”

“You don’t have to know. Jesus knows you.” He stretched his arms over his head which made his comment seem a bit more casual, but the meaning struck me hard.

“Yeah, but the question is do I know Him?” I took the last sip from my cup and leaned back. “How do I find him.”

“You’ve always known Him, I think you do now. You are trying to hard to struggle because it’s what you know how to do. You’re dramatic remember?” He laughed. “Just let go of trying so hard. Why don’t you go back to basics? You could take the adult confirmation class one-on-one with Lawson.”

“Hm.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to make one more suggestion.”

“Go for it.” I smiled at him.

“Don’t spend quite so much time alone. It seems to me that you over think your problems. Why don’t you get involved in something you enjoy?”

“I’ve always wanted to play piano again. I started playing as a kid. I taught myself and begged my mom for lessons. But as usual, what started as fun became a job. She could never let me do something just for me. She turned everything into an opportunity to self promote — ‘get involved in this music group’ or ‘play this song for this person’. Everything had to have a purpose to further my so-called career. So I gave it up because I couldn’t take that pressure and eventually I hated playing.”

“Well, your mom doesn’t even need to know about it. And neither does anyone else for that matter. Just do it for you.”

“Sounds like a good plan.”

Jo comes outside. “Hey guys, I’m gonna shut down. You can stay out here but I’m going home.” She pointed to the second story of the bookstore and laughs.

“Thanks Jo! We actually need to get going as well. Thank you for the tea! It was delicious as always.”

“No problem, hon. Come visit me soon. It’s been a while and I got worried about you.” Jo wraps her arms around me and holds me tight for a few moments. I bob my head to assure her I’d visit again. She smiles at me then turns to Thomas and give him a hug as well. He thanks her and we walk around the side of the building and back to my car.

“Let’s just see what happens.” Thomas says when we pull back out onto the highway.

“What do you mean?”

“With us. I am not going to put any undue stress on you. I like you, a lot, but I don’t want to pressure you into anything you are not ready for.”

“Thanks, Thomas. That means a lot to me. I don’t want to say we can’t date, but I don’t want to say we need to. I know you are busy with your vicar-ship and I am … well a spiritual mess at the moment. I do feel much better about things now that we’ve talked about this.”

“Me too.” He reaches for the volume and turns up the song. “I like this song.”

We sing the rest of the way back to his car. For the first time in a while I feel good, and a bit hopeful that things are going to get better.