But my feelings aren’t.

I look up and see him stand from the table. He picks up the cups and hands them to the barista before stepping out of the coffee shop. He stops in front of my car and shrugs. Be fearless.

I unlock the doors and motion for him to get in. He smiles and follows my direction.

“I’m not going to ask. I have a feeling you don’t want any advice or help right now.” He says matter-of-factly while he clicks his seatbelt in place. “Plus, I don’t think I can give you advice without ulterior motives.”

I shift back nervously and pull out on to the street.

“What do you mean ‘ulterior motives’?” I keep my eyes straight ahead.  I want him to be completely honest with me. I need to be honest with myself. I barely know this guy but I am fighting myself over feelings. I don’t want to like someone. I don’t want to deal with this along with a spiritual struggle.

“I mean I like you, Sapphira. I realize it’s not in either of our best interests. Plus, I don’t know you. We have some sort of connection over your struggles and I cannot tell if this is actual feelings or if it’s an illusion based on my quasi-counseling. Pastor warned me this could happen, but he also thought it would be a good idea for me to get the experience. I want to help you, but I think I’m going to have to bow out on this. You need real help from a full pastor with experience if you want to work on understanding your faith struggle. I cannot help you with this.”

He has feelings for me. Sorta. Maybe. He’s not sure. I’m not sure either.

“Ok.” We turn out on to the main highway.

“Ok what? You have to be honest with me … and yourself. What are you Ok about?”

“Ok. I get that you need to turn me over to Pastor.”

Silence. He nods but keeps looking at me. I take a quick sideways glance and he raises his eyebrows. I shrug slightly and keep driving. What is normally a short drive seems to take forever.

“Ok.” He leans back. I pull closer to campus. I turn into the parking lot while my stomach tightens. I bite my lip. Do I tell him? He doesn’t think we should be together. But he was honest. Maybe I should be as well. I sigh.  I swing around in the parking lot and pull back out onto the feeder road.

“You confused?” he smiles a bit sarcastically. He’s mad.

“No, I’m just not ready to drop you off. I’m getting the guts together to tell you what I want to say.”

“Maybe you should park first.”

“No, I want to drive for a while.” I turn on the music to kill the silence. I decide to tell him but I feel the need to get a bit farther from campus. I can’t explain my desire to do so but I feel like driving to the sister town ten minutes away. I get back on the highway. He starts to sing along with the music. He sings loudly, slightly off-key. I know he’s a better singer than that. He’s trying to put me at ease, I guess.  I join him. We sing until I pull into a used books store.

“This is my favorite place in town. I like the smell of the books.” I get out and walk into the store. Thomas follows me, he seems annoyed, but that’s ok.

“Hey Jo!” I call to the older woman at the counter.  Her white hair is tinged with purple and her oversized paste jewelry gives away her artistic sensibilities. “This is my friend Thomas. He’s studying to be a pastor.” I wave at him as he steps through the door.

“Hey Tommy. Nice to meet you! I‘m Jo.” Jo laughs, a huge welcoming smile on her face.

“Nice to meet you Jo.” He walks over a shakes her hand.

“Sapphira, y’all can go out back and I’ll bring some treats.”

“Thanks.” Thomas looks confused. I reach for his hand. I have never been one for anything less than a show. Austin took all I had to offer and just about killed my personality. I decided that it was safe to be myself with Thomas. I don’t know why I decided this, but sometime while driving, while praying, while singing, I felt like God told me to finally let go and just be.

Thomas didn’t retract his hand or flinch. He squeezed my hand and followed. I pushed open the back door. The smell of the roses was almost overwhelming. A hint of Carolina Jessamine blew past us in the breeze. Thomas’ eye were a bit wider than usual as he took in the small but wild garden.  The pea gravel walk crunched under our shoes as we made our way to the café table.

“Sapphira, you don’t do anything normally do you?”

“Not really.” I sit down in the cloth slung chairs. “I used to. Well, I should say, I tried to. With Austin. With my mom. No one has ever allowed me to just be me.”

“Maybe you haven’t allowed yourself to just be you.”

“Maybe not.” I feel the sting of tears, but Jo sweeps out the back door with a glass jar of tea and two cups.  She sets the cups down and  pours us drinks.

“So Tommy, why are you studying to be a pastor?” She asks as she hands him a full cup.

“Because I love Jesus and I want to tell others about him.” He says simply, confidently. He’s probably never had a problem being himself.

“Perfect. That’s all I need to know. You take care of my Sapphira. I’m going back inside in case a customer comes.” She pats me on the head and walks away. Thomas and I sip our drinks.

“Ok, I’ve got to know why we are here and who this lady is.”

“I met Jo when I was a freshman, my first week of school. I was exploring the area and stumbled upon this place. She was friendly and I would come back every few weeks to see her. She’s one of the only people I’m ok to be myself around. She’s a bit like me. Overly dramatic, a bit crazy in some ways. But unlike me she was able to give up the things that made her feel trapped. She came from a big wealthy family in South Texas. Ranchers. She didn’t fit in with their lifestyle, so after college she married an artist and lived in a hippie commune for a while. He left her so she decided to open up this book store. She said she always loved books so she decided to just hang out with them and never love again…or so she says. But I think she’s still going to find her love. She’s a hopeless romantic.”

“She’s a lot like you, huh.”

“I guess so.” I sipped the tea, stalling.

“So why did you bring me here?” He won’t let me stall.

“Because this is where I feel most at home and so I figured I’d be more comfortable…and honest…talking with you here. I like you too, Thomas. I’m struggling with it though because like you said, it’s not the best at the moment. And I’m not over Austin. I hate him and desperately want to be over him, but he caused major damage to my heart. And yes, maybe I am too passionate and overly dramatic, but that’s just honestly how I feel.

“I am a people-pleaser. All my life I have lived making choices based on what I think other people expect of me. Some of those expectations are real and I’m sure most of them are assumed expectations that I have imposed on myself in an effort to be the perfect child or the perfect whatever. It’s exhausting though. It wears my emotions out.

“For a short while I gave up on pleasing people. I rebelled against my mom and against Austin at times, but that made me feel worse. I can’t seem to figure out exactly who I am or how to live. It seems easier to just go with what I think other people want from me. I used to enjoy church. I loved the liturgy, the beauty of the stained glass windows and the way the colored lights sliced through the smoke that curls from the candles. Somewhere along the way, that joy just died. I don’t know when exactly. Maybe when Austin started to get really critical of me.

“He would tell me I was gaining weight or something. The only time he’d tell me I was beautiful was when I’d make out with him…a few times we came close to having sex but even when he’d try to convince me with the loveliest of compliments, something inside me stopped me from going that far. When we broke up I felt horrible. I had never messed around with a guy before Austin. I felt like a slut, used, and dirty. I know what we did is tame compared to the worldly values most people have but it still haunts me. What makes me feel worse though is that I became so dependent on his words, his compliments, that he was able to manipulate me and my self-esteem.”

I sighed. It felt good to finally get that out.

“I do not trust myself with another guy yet. I am too easy to manipulate and I recognize that. So until I am able to be confident in who I am, not who I’m with and what they say about me, I feel unfit to be in a relationship. Also, I am not fit for a pastor-to-be.”

“What makes you think I don’t have my own issues?”

“I don’t know…I just guess I assumed you were perfect. You have gone to a religious school all your life. You love Jesus.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t make me perfect. I’m far from it. Eliza and I didn’t have the most pure and godly of relationships. I mean when never had sex either, but we struggled. Our struggle was one of the issues that led to our break up.”

“I thought she cheated on you.”

“Well, eventually. But it started before that. She had dated other guys before me. She was a bit more…um, advanced, in experience and was a bit pushy to tell you the truth. And let me just say, for guys there is nothing more difficult and tempting that a girl who is ready to do just about anything with you. It took a lot of prayer and strength from God to resist all that Eliza offered up. I think that’s why she cheated on me.

“She had struggles of her own. Her father never showed her any love. He was harsh and didn’t exactly treat her and her mother in a loving way. I think that’s why Eliza struggled with guys and sexuality. She needed to have a guy show her love, tell her she’s worthy. She put on a good show of being Miss Perfect, but inside she was a mess. Once I noticed that she had cuts on her upper arm. We had a huge fight because I reported it to the school nurse and they asked her to take counseling.  She swore it was the only time she ever did it and it was only as an experiment because she had read about other girls who did that and she wanted to be able to sympathize with them. I have no idea what her motives were. Anyway, I thought I could save Eliza and be that kind man who loved her and gave her, emotionally, what her father refused to give. It didn’t work out.

“It was for the best though. She’s better now. Healthy and in love. I think my attempts to save her only hurt her. I couldn’t be her savior. Only Jesus can be our Savior.”

We sat alone and watched the shadows of the oak tree stretch across the pea gravel. I suddenly got the giggles. Uncontrollable giggles. Thomas began to laugh as well.

“Looks like everyone has their own mess to deal with.” I said touching my bruised face lightly after I got myself under control. Laughing made it hurt.

“If we didn’t, we wouldn’t need Jesus.”

“Yup.”

“So you like me too?” Thomas said simply. He stared at me over the edge of his cup as he took a gulp.

“Yes.”

“Looks like we are in a pickle. My uncle won’t like this.”

“Why? Are we doing something about it?”

“No, but he’s already suspicious and I think he’ll get the confirmation he needs when I step back from helping you.”

“Well, that’s ok. He can think whatever he wants. I’m tired of worrying about what other people think of me. I am ready to be free of that issue.”

“So who are you?”

“I don’t think I really know.”

“You don’t have to know. Jesus knows you.” He stretched his arms over his head which made his comment seem a bit more casual, but the meaning struck me hard.

“Yeah, but the question is do I know Him?” I took the last sip from my cup and leaned back. “How do I find him.”

“You’ve always known Him, I think you do now. You are trying to hard to struggle because it’s what you know how to do. You’re dramatic remember?” He laughed. “Just let go of trying so hard. Why don’t you go back to basics? You could take the adult confirmation class one-on-one with Lawson.”

“Hm.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to make one more suggestion.”

“Go for it.” I smiled at him.

“Don’t spend quite so much time alone. It seems to me that you over think your problems. Why don’t you get involved in something you enjoy?”

“I’ve always wanted to play piano again. I started playing as a kid. I taught myself and begged my mom for lessons. But as usual, what started as fun became a job. She could never let me do something just for me. She turned everything into an opportunity to self promote — ‘get involved in this music group’ or ‘play this song for this person’. Everything had to have a purpose to further my so-called career. So I gave it up because I couldn’t take that pressure and eventually I hated playing.”

“Well, your mom doesn’t even need to know about it. And neither does anyone else for that matter. Just do it for you.”

“Sounds like a good plan.”

Jo comes outside. “Hey guys, I’m gonna shut down. You can stay out here but I’m going home.” She pointed to the second story of the bookstore and laughs.

“Thanks Jo! We actually need to get going as well. Thank you for the tea! It was delicious as always.”

“No problem, hon. Come visit me soon. It’s been a while and I got worried about you.” Jo wraps her arms around me and holds me tight for a few moments. I bob my head to assure her I’d visit again. She smiles at me then turns to Thomas and give him a hug as well. He thanks her and we walk around the side of the building and back to my car.

“Let’s just see what happens.” Thomas says when we pull back out onto the highway.

“What do you mean?”

“With us. I am not going to put any undue stress on you. I like you, a lot, but I don’t want to pressure you into anything you are not ready for.”

“Thanks, Thomas. That means a lot to me. I don’t want to say we can’t date, but I don’t want to say we need to. I know you are busy with your vicar-ship and I am … well a spiritual mess at the moment. I do feel much better about things now that we’ve talked about this.”

“Me too.” He reaches for the volume and turns up the song. “I like this song.”

We sing the rest of the way back to his car. For the first time in a while I feel good, and a bit hopeful that things are going to get better.

How in the world can I go to class like this?

Yesterday spoke of promise; today speaks of my despair. Austin is back in my life. God has failed me again. Just as I seem to get some footing in my climb back to Him, He knocks me back down to hell. Is this the curse of my name haunting me? Sapphira. Sure it means beautiful, but not in a good way. It seems that I can only be beautiful on the outside…the part that doesn’t really matter in the end. How can I be beautiful in God’s sight when I know I struggle to believe in Him?

I banish my disparaging thoughts and grab a baseball cap. I pull it down as far as possible, and hope, pray that the shadow of the bill hides the bruise.

The classroom is empty when I arrive so I pick a back row seat. After I get comfortable, people start to file in one by one, so I slump down and pull my book higher. As the professor starts to speak I slump over towards my notes and never look back up. I take notes, but not once do I get a look at the slides the prof is whipping through. She is just as eager as us college students to get out of the classroom. That’s why I love summer school. She stops and dismisses us. I wait for the class empty and then pick up my stuff and rush out. Keeping my head down, I never do see the person I slam into, our papers and notebooks fly as we crash together. I spout out apologies as I squat down, head lowered, and pick up the fallen items.

“Sapphira?” It’s Thomas. I tense and lower my head even more.

“Hey.”

“I didn’t recognize you with the cap! I was hoping to, uh, bump into you.” he chuckles at his lame joke.

“Huh, really.” I whisper.

“Yeah, um…wanna grab some lunch? I’m starving and I’d love to discuss some stuff with you?”

“I really can’t, but thanks!” I try to sound perky.

“Is everything…ok?” I guess I failed at trying to sound perky. Thomas bends down a bit and tries to see my face, but I pull it to the side so that he cannot see the bruise. “What’s going on, Sapphira?”

“Nothing.” I turn to walk away. I realize as I do it that I turned the bruised side towards him. He grabs my shoulder.  I decide it’s too late to hide it so I straighten up. He inspects the bruise and frowns, a crease appears between his eyes.

“Ok, I get it. I’ll just walk you to your car.” I nod and we start out together, slowly. Neither of us know what to say, so we walk in silence. I can feel the anger coming from Thomas. I know he hates Austin. I can see it all over his tense shoulders and scowling face.

We got to my car. Thomas opened the door as soon as I clicked the unlock button on my key fob. I turned to him: “I want to talk, but I don’t know anywhere dark and secluded that won’t but you in a precarious situation. I know as the vicar you have to be careful about what people think. I don’t want anyone to have reason to question your reputation.”

“I appreciate that, but I think I know where we can go. There is a coffee shop by the church that doesn’t usually have many people in it. It’s called Beans. Do you know where that is?”

“Yeah, I’ll drive since we are at my car already.” Moments later we sit down at Beans, two caffe americanos steaming in front of us. Despite the lack of other coffee shop customers, I hang my head slightly.

“Why did you come to class today?”

“I heard the lecture would be interesting.” He says quickly and sips on the hot espresso drink.

“You are not a good liar.” He chokes a bit, and tries to swallow. I was too forward. “I’m glad you did.”

It was easy to say…much easier than I thought it would be. No underlying tones, not hints at more. I wasn’t flirting. It was just pure appreciation for him as a person. I hope he doesn’t see too much into it.

“Could you explain to me what God is doing? Then, maybe, I could trust Him.” I seem to catch him a bit off guard. He wrinkles his brow again and finishes off more of his drink.

“He has a grand plan, Sapphira. We cannot see it or understand it, but everything He does is for the good of the ones He loves.”

“That seems a bit like a cop-out.” Thomas opens his mouth to speak, but I stop him. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. “If it was for our good, why does it have to hurt so much?”

“I don’t have the right answer to that. I hav no idea what God is trying to do in your life. What I do know is that He uses trials to bring us closer to Him. He wants to show us that we need Him: ‘For when I am weak, then I am strong.’ God wants us to lean on Him, to get our support and strength from Him. If we are happy and able to handle things on our own, then we don’t know how much we need God. He does give us seasons of happiness where everything seems ok, but because He loves us He wants to draw us near. The most important thing in life is your relationship with Christ. If God has to use pain to point us back to Him, he will use pain. Everything that happens to us is done so that we will turn to Him with praise and thanksgiving.”

“I think He’s cursing me because I don’t believe.”

“You know who Paul is right?”

“yeah, he wrote most of the New Testament, right?”

“Right. Well, Paul did a lot for the early church. He was an amazing servant and glorified God’s name in many ways, and yet, God stuck Paul with a problem. A ‘thorn in my flesh’ he called it. Paul pleaded that God would take it away, but instead God said ‘my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness’. God wanted Paul and others to see that no matter who you are you need Him and when He strengthens you it is a display of His grace and power. through this we can rejoice.”

Through his whole monologue I stare down at the black coffee. It’s darkness contrasts so brilliantly with the white porcelain of the cup. Tears start to cloud my eyes, but I still look up at Thomas.

“Rejoice.” I pause and sip the drink, hoping the tears would not fall. Pull it together, I’m in public. Too late… “Why would I rejoice at this pain?”

“Because the suffering God allows us to go through teaches us to persevere and through perseverance hope is born. It also gives us a small idea of the suffering Christ went through on the cross. When we feel like we can’t take it anymore, we have to look at Christ and know that what we are going through is nothing compared to what He did. And we must remember that He did it all because of His great love for us.”

I stop focusing on Thomas’ face so that I can pick through the words he just spoke. My eyes are trained on him, but all is blurry. My thoughts are all I see. Why would any man love me that much. My experiences with Man have proven that love is not selfless or given for free. Why would this man be any different? My name is a curse, as is my life. I feel doomed to a small hell on earth. The one man I love, doesn’t love me. Could anything be more devastating? I had seen him kissing Janna, he had yelled at me, and above all he had hit me hard enough to leave a mark, on my face as well as my heart. I can’t believe even if I want to. Something is wrong with me. God has surely damned me.

The darker voice returns to my thoughts: You shouldn’t be sitting with this pure man, this vicar. Your curse will surely wear off onto him. He’s a man of God and should have nothing to do with you. The darkness from earlier keeps in and welds up inside of me, choking my thoughts, clouding my mind. I feel like something sharp is squeezing my heart and mind into nothing. I stand quickly, almost knocking over the chair.

“Thomas, I shouldn’t…that is, I mean…I should get back to my room and work on some homework. Thanks for talking with me. You made me feel much better.” I force a smile and dart from the coffee-house before he can protest. I get to my car and notice that he doesn’t follow me.

“Sapphira…” I feel that my awkward silence is not any comfort. I open my mouth to form something, anything verbal, sending up a prayer that God would guide my tongue. The door creaks and I stop to turn and look. There stands Uncle Tom and Austin, both sporting a look of intense frustration. In away they are annoyed for the same reason, just the motivation is different. Tom’s intentions may be pure — he hopes to keep me from getting emotionally involved with a girl who doesn’t need any more drama and I don’t need to get distracted from my purpose. Austin’s intentions are pure evil where I am concerned. His face is lined with fury.

“Thomas, we are still waiting for you in the fellowship hall.” Uncle Tom manages, his annoyance thinly veiled.

“Right, sorry.” I stand apologizing to Sapphira for leaving her, then Tom for disappointing him. I turn back to Sapphira. She is looking towards the parking lot and away from all of us.

“Y’all go have fun,” she doesn’t turn to address us. “I am just gonna sit here for a bit. Enjoy the sun.”

Part of me feels the need to stay, but my obligation to the congregation tugs my conscience as Tom tugs my sleeve. I follow him into the Narthex; as the door shuts I notice that Austin stays with her. Don’t go.

“What’s wrong, babe?” I hear Austin’s muffled voice through the thin doors as he sits down on the bench. He wraps an arm around her, she shrugs it off. He tries again, this time gripping her shoulder a bit hard in my opinion. I turn and notice Tom watching too. A few older ladies peek out from around the corner and then join us at the window. I turn back, she is wiggling just a bit under his pressure, I reach for the door, but Tom stops me.

“Don’t. Wait. This isn’t your battle.”

I inhale sharply. It is my battle. I’m already emotionally involved whether I like it or not. Sapphira’s a mess but I can’t shake the attraction to her. She doesn’t fit the mold in any way, and yet, for some reason she sticks in my mind, distracting me from my sermon preparations and ruining my focus when calling on members.

She suddenly stands and starts walking briskly.

“Sapphira!” Austin yells at her as he gets up to follow. Much to my surprise she stops and turns to him. They talk but I cannot hear anything.

“What, Austin!” Sapphira finally yells. “What is it that you want from me.” She faces him, arms crossed. Even from the distance we can see the fire, Austin sees it too. He stammers, whatever he says we cannot hear it inside. I am fighting the urge to crack open the door.

“I thought you had enough of me a year ago.” She yells.

“I said that i thought we should get back together later.” He yells in return.

“So by dating Janna you actually are trying to say that you want me back? That makes soooooo much sense.” Her voice is loud and the intensity matches her eyes. It’s that intensity that I like.

“I didn’t know that you were here.” He pleads with her.

“Oh, so that makes it ok?

“No!” He starts to back away a bit. She steps towards him.

“You did know I was here. You can’t lie to me anymore. You forget that I dated you and I know you well enough to know your tricks. You HURT me, Austin!” She speaks rapidly. “I am not just going to roll over and allow you back into my life, especially when I see you making out with another friend! I don’t want you back, I want you gone. I want you out of my life. I want to be rid of you and our relationship. I don’t want friendship, I don’t want to see you. I want to move on!”

“You just want to date Thomas!” He yells and grabs her arm. Now it’s my battle. I reach for the door. I hear Uncle Tom call my name, but at this point I’ve made my decision. I cannot watch him beat her up emotionally.

“Don’t you ever touch me like that!” I hear her at full volume now that I have the door open. At the sound of her saying my name I stop, “I just met Thomas. And as for dating anyone that is out of the question until I can figure out where I am with my faith. I just starting getting my heart untangled and my mind refocused. I don’t want to be screwed with again. I was on my way to forgiving you, then you showed up, pulled your stunt, and blew all of my progress out of line. I thought I was about to get back to normal.”

“I’m here now — we can return to normal.” Austin’s tone was insulting even to me. Luckily it was for Sapphira as well.

“No, Austin..I want to be normal alone, without you. The way I was before I met you. You messed with me way too much. You crushed my self-esteem and hurt me. You made me think I was nearly worthless unless you wanted me and that without you no one else would want me. You convinced me that I was actually LUCKY to have you! Imagine that! Lucky…lucky to have a boyfriend who treated me like trash, but that’s ok. He’s the big man in the fraternity. Well guess what I don’t believe that any more!”

I feel something wet slide down my face. Despite the earlier sunny skies, a thunderstorm has rolled in. A flash of lightning bolts through the air and the rain lets loose. I duck back up against the door to get under the eve, reading myself for Sapphira to come walking back to the building. She does not. She does not move a muscle. Her hair is soon plastered down the side of her face and draping over her shoulders. She doesn’t’ seem to care. Or maybe she doesn’t notice. She just continues to light into Austin.

“I am loved by God. That is all I need to know. I might not believe it completely right at this moment but I am not about to lose the ground I’ve gained in the past few days.”

Austin tries to speak but Sapphira will not let him. He wipes his forehead and looks up then arches his hand over his brow in a sad attempt to protect himself from the downpour.

“You know what? I burned all your letters, removed all the photos. I hid the stuff so that I could get you out of my life. I wanted to hang on to some of the things you gave me but I wouldn’t let myself. I am tired of allowing you in my life. I am tired of you, and just like your stuff, I am ready to throw you out of my life!”

I cannot fully see Austin’s face when Sapphira says these last words, but even if I had I would not have had time to stop him from backhanding her on the cheek. She staggers slightly. Fury wells up inside of me and I take off full speed towards them. Austin grabs her arm and kisses her roughly, but not for long. I grab his shoulders and pull him back from her. She slips again as Austin was holding her up. I want to catch her but instead, much to my own amazement, I feel my knuckles make contact with Austin’s face and see him fall to the ground. My head is clouded, I cannot read my own thoughts as I reach for Sapphira and pull her up. She blinks hard a few times, then her eyes become wide. Once she seems steady I turn to Austin.

“If you ever touch her again I will beat the crap out of you! DO YOU HEAR ME!” I scream at him. He slides his forearm across the bottom of his nose, which is bleeding. The hatred in my voice seems natural, and yet, I have never been so full of anger and violence in my life. I have never hit a single person ever.

“Yes,” Austin growls at me. Suddenly a slight tinge or remorse comes over me and I reach out a hand to pull him back up. When I see him standing I feel the urge to hit him a second time. My fist forms in spite of me. Uncle Tom lays his hands on Austin’s shoulders and pulls him back towards the building where all the party attendees are peeking wide-eyed through the windows. I turn back to Sapphira.

“Are you ok?” thunder rips through the sky again.

“I think so.” Sapphira touches the back of her hand to her cheek. Her once pale cheek is red and patched with broken blood vessels. “This is the second time this week that you have had to save me.”

“I should have pulled him away before he had a chance to hit you.”

“I’m not sure you should have hit him like that. You’re a church leader.” Sapphira’s words bring me suddenly back to reality. The tinge of remorse clouds my brain, until I remember that he hit her first.

“He shouldn’t have hit you. I think I am justified in my reaction.” I smiled at her, hoping she didn’t feel guilty for anything. She returns the smile. Then I feel her hand reach up and wipe back a few strands of hair hanging over my eyes. As she slides it down the side of my face, I press her hand against my cheek for just a moment. I feel the heat in my own face and see her eyebrows furrow slightly. I remember myself and where I am.

“Sapphira…” I pull her hand down and reluctantly let go of it. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have down that. You are a member of my congregation and I…”

“There is nothing to forgive, Thomas.” She smiles, but her eyes are sad. “All I can say is thank you. In the few moments I have spent with you I have realized I deserve better than Austin. I have a long way to go, but in a few encounters you have pointed me towards a Better Love. I may not fully understand it yet, but I want to.

Her calm and oddly wise words do not put me at ease. I cannot tell if she really means them or if she is saying it to make me feel better. It seems too different from her frantic, over analyzed frustration from a few days ago. People do not change that quickly. She could be trying to put me at ease.

“We better get out of the rain.” As I walk her back to her car I notice her dress.  The back of it is black from falling on the wet asphalt. “You’re dress.”

She turns her head around and pulls the skirt forward a bit to inspect the damage. “It’s ok.”

I try to open the car door for her, but she stops me. “I am Austin’s ride. I should wait on him.”

Amazement washes over me as she calming declares her intentions to drive him home just after she chews him out. Just moments ago she wanted him out of her life for good. Now she’s willing to drive him home.

“Don’t worry about it. I think Tom is going to talk to him for a bit. I’ll take him home later. After slapping you I promise I won’t let him anywhere near you.”

“Than you gain for helping out, Thomas.” She smiles weakly.

“No worries. If you need anything at all, just call me, especially if Austin comes anywhere near you again. I’m serious.” I frown and stare her straight in the face hoping to get the message across.

“You will be the first to know.” She opens the car door and slides into the driver’s seat. “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye.” I shut the door and watch her drive away. I feel hopeful but confused by her sudden calm. I wait until she’s out of view before turning back towards the building. I am dreading the unwelcomed questions I am about to have to answer. Everyone saw what happened. The moment they heard the elevated voices they ran into the Narthex and watched it all go down. I especially do not want to face my uncle who will surely reinforce his opinion of my obviously growing feelings for this girl.

I apologize to the members who have all returned to the fellowship hall. It turns out everyone has just as bad of an opinion about Austin as Tom and me. I am relieved that I am not asked anything or given any “talks”. Some of the women scour at Austin’s name as they whisper it while walking out of the room. A few of the older men wink at me or give me an approving pat on the shoulder. I hate to admit it, but their approval releases my worry just a bit. I wonder what God thinks.

Once the last person is out the door, I hesitantly approach my uncle’s office. It is silent and through the small window I can see the two men staring at each other. While I dread my uncle’s oncoming lecture, I fear more that I will try to hit Austin a second time. I take a deep breath and join them. Austin has an ice pack mashed up against his face. He takes turns staring at the ground and then back at Tom. Then me. I notice the crusted blood on his chin and lower lip. For a moment I feel the tinge of remorse. I almost feel sorry for him. I’ve been hit before, hit hard. I never thought I’d do it, but Austin needed to get the point. He glares at me for a moment then suddenly straightens up and yells at me. The remorse disappears almost as soon as it had arrived.

“You broke my nose you bast—!” He yells. With the ice pack pulled away from his face to talk I am able to see the damage. His nose is still in place, but swollen. a dark bruise is already forming around his left eye.

“I’m sorry Austin. I have never hit anyone before…but you were way out of line.” I say it as calmly as possible and take a seat opposite him. I lean forward and whisper, “You never…NEVER…hit a woman. You could have broken her nose or cheek or something!”

“I could sue you for this!”

“Yes, and I can report you to the police for abuse and sexual harassment.”

Austin glares hard at me then replaces the ice pack. He knows he’s stuck. He spits out an explicative.

“Watch your language,” Uncle Tom says simply. I turn to him unsure of the next step, not wanting to infringe on the pastor’s plan, but I can tell that he is more than happy to allow me to handle it. I’m not sure if I really can. I mean, I know how I want to handle it. My sinful self wants to pulverize the kid, but the Christian in me what’s to extend forgiveness and help him out.

“I don’t know you Austin,” I start, a prayer for strength and compassion working along in my mind, “but I am getting to know Sapphira. She’s really a special girl and not some one you should be manipulating. No woman needs that. I can’t do anything but protect Sapphira as a church member –”

“You just want at her.” He growls at me. The jealousy flares in his nostrils and his eye form into small half moons.

“Austin, you can sling trash and curse words all you want, but you are not helping yourself at all. You can act tough and hard, but in reality you aren’t. A real man doesn’t prey on girls. That’s for cowards. Do I need to remind you that I knocked you out with one blow and I’m not even that big of a guy? If you don’t watch your mouth one day you are going to piss of the wrong person and end up dead.”

Austin sighs and presses the pack harder into his face. I cannot tell if we are getting through to him or if he is just putting up more barriers.

“We don’t like having to do this, but it is necessary.” Uncle Tom pipes in. “We like for all of our members to be on good terms with each other. Now you are going to have to apologize to Sapphira next Sunday after church. I’m not going to be so old-fashioned as to make you do it in front of the congregation, though I should since you ruined their party, but I want you to do it in front of me.”

Austin still says nothing. At this point I am not sure what to tell him.

“If you refuse to correct your sin, we will have to deal with this in a way that involves police and I doubt you want that to happen.” Uncle Tom stares at the kid for a few moments.

“Fine, I’ll apologize.”

“Great!” Tom slaps his hands together. “Now do you want Thomas to take you home?”

“No, I’ll call Janna.” Austin stands are marches away from the room. He waits on the bench just outside the entry for about ten minutes. A white Beemer picks him up and tears out of the parking lot. Tom and I say nothing to each other while we wait for Austin to be taken care of. As soon as the car is gone, I feel the air get heavy and I know that it’s my turn to get the talk. I stand up and reseat myself in the chair that Austin occupied just minutes ago.

“Do I even need to say it?”

“Say what you want to say. It’ll be better for the both of us if you get it out.”

“I warned you, Chris.” Tom says almost apathetically, as if he really doesn’t care to go forward with the conversation but knows he needs to. “She’s not on solid ground and neither are any of the people that surround her. You would be wise to check your feelings. She’s not ready for a relationship, even a healthy one, and you should not be ‘yoked with an unbeliever’.”

“She’s a believer…kinda.” I protest, weakly. Tom clears his throat. “Ok, I get it. But you have to admit that you would have hit him if you had been the one closer to him.”

“I sure wanted to. At least you can blame your haste on youth.”

“Oh, I don’t think anyone from the congregation will blame me. They were all waiting for someone to put him in his place.”

“That may be true, but we are here to glorify God. Hitting people isn’t the way to do that. You could have pulled him from her and just separated them.”

“True, but he might have fought me anyway. Getting him down was the best way to insure his cooperation.” My excuses sounded lame, even to my own ears. Tom and I both knew my behavior was really based on my emotions and my feelings for Sapphira..what ever they are.

“I doubt I will convince you that you were wrong in your actions, but you must promise to never do it again! you can’t just punch sinful members of the church no matter how terrible their crimes.”

“I know! I know!” I was acting like a child. “I promise I will keep my feelings inline. I admit I let my temper get in the way of my head today.”

“Do you think I should take over with her from now on or do you think you can handle it?”

“If things escalate I’ll let you take over, but for now I think I can do it.” I lie. It’s a sin, but  I can’t help it. I think Tom knows I’m lying. His facial expression betrays his skepticism.  I don’t want to compromise Sapphira but something in me was not ready to let her slip away in any form. I have no idea where any of this is going. It scares me a bit. I am always so in control of myself, but I also realize I need the experience. I also realize I just want to be near her.

“Just remember to keep a professional distance. Don’t let the intimacy created by helping her in this way could your judgment. I guess you’ll have to learn how to handle these types of meetings one way or another. Just promise me you will use good judgments with this. It isn’t smart to get romantically involved with members. It can create very volatile situations.”

“Right.” I have no idea why Uncle Tom is letting me go so easy on this.

“Just to be safe, could you describe to me your feelings for her?”

“Well,” I pause, not sure how to answer. I decide that I have lied enough today. “I’m not too sure myself.”

But that’s what you’ve been doing all of your life and it didn’t work.

I know….but what else can I do?

Just read.

My conscience has taken on a new role in my life. Normally, my mental promptings revolve around appropriate behavior, but lately the inner voice has taken on a new tone. Almost forceful, but filled with gentle peace. My own voice is heard but a calmer, softer version. I focus back on the red print:

“Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

I slump into my pillows and close my eyes tight hoping to stop the tears pushing through. The harder I try the more determine they are to get out. I have failed the two commandments and yet they are the greatest. Have I ever loved God with all of my heart? I know for sure that I have never loved my neighbor in such a way. And just who is a neighbor? Is Austin? I want to hate him. I want him to leave my heart forever. I hate his effect on me. I know these feelings are not love. No, my thoughts towards him are nothing like Christ’s thoughts.

I close my Bible unsure if I can do this. The thoughts bouncing around in my head are enough for now. I need a diversion — email. I click on the new message from Thomas, dated yesterday.

Sapphira,

I just thought I’d check up on you and see how the reading is going. I pray God is giving you comfort through His powerful Word.  It might be tough to get started and to set up the habit  – the devil will try to stop you and he will attack you from all side. Pray for strength to fight him. God wants the best for you and He will not allow Satan to tempt you more than you can handle. When things are tough check out James 1:12.

In His Name, Thomas.

PS – I am looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday. I would love to hear how things are going.

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” I read the verse aloud. Without further hesitation I am back in Matthew and reading once more. The woman with the alabaster jar, the last supper, Christ’s trial and death, and finally His resurrection. I get through it all. I feel light and happy when I shut the book, but is it from the message or the sense of accomplishment? Do I really believe? Did God fill me with faith while reading. I am sure he has. I believe. I know I do.

How could I not after reading such powerful words.

I jump from my bed, as if to punctuate my thoughts, to give them meaning and action. The clock lets me know I have just enough time to get dressed and get over to the party for Thomas. I am full of eager energy; I can’t wait to tell him about my new found faith! He will be happy for me. I know he will.

I dress modestly – simple summer dress, cardigan. and low heels. As I walk out of my apartment the hallway seems to stretch forever. I can see the bright Texas sky cheering me on. I pull open the door and step into the parking lot, sliding my large sunglasses over my eyes. I turn in the direction of my car.

My heart stops as I spot them. Janna making out by her SUV, which is parked right next to my coupe. The guy’s back is to me but I know that form. The dark hair, those clothes. My hands had once been sliding over those shoulders, just as Janna’s are now. She stops as she looks up at me. A smile that can be called nothing but sinister spreads across her face then quickly fades away. She pushes Austin away from her and straightens her skirt. He tries to pull her back towards him, but she clears her throat and nods at me.

He turns. I feel the heat swell up from my stomach and into my cheeks as if I finally realized that it was over one hundred degrees outside. What had moments earlier seemed like a beautiful day seemed blindingly bright and oppressively hot.

“Sapphira!” he almost spits it in his shock. I stand motionless, my mind running in multiple directions, pulling all my thoughts away from each other. The knot in my stomach grows quickly. He is walking towards me. Should I run or just coolly walk to my car. Or maybe turn back into the building. I could hide in my room. A dozen questions, but no answers. Then suddenly, clarity. “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trail because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”

Love thy neighbor.

I swallow hard and move towards him. I manage a smile.

“Austin, how are you?” My cheeriness shocks me.

“I’m…glad to see you.” He draws it out.

“I’m sure you are. When did you get into town.” I pass him and continue to walk towards my car. He follows me — he cannot stand to be written off or ignored.

“Today, just a few minutes ago. Um, Janna just came out to meet me.”

“So I saw. What a welcome.” I cringe at the dry sarcasm that betrays my bitterness. So much for loving my neighbor. Change the subject. “Are you moving into your new house?”

“Yeah. There was nothing going on at home so I decided it would be more interesting to be here for the rest of the summer.”

“Hmm.” I unlock the car and reach for the handle. He places his hand over mine to stop me from opening the door. I pull it away slowly and turn to him.

“Where are you headed?  You look dressed for church.”

“I am. We have a new vicar. I am on my way to his welcome party.”

“We have a vicar!?! Aren’t we a bit…small for that?”

“I guess not.” I open the car door and sit down. Austin places his hand on the roof and leans down towards me.

“I want to meet him. I’m coming with you.” Before I have time to protest he runs to the other side and rips open the door. “Wait let me talk to Janna.”

I start the car and grip the steering wheel. Now’s my chance to drive away. No, I must love my neighbor. God, what are you trying to do to me? He didn’t even ask. So like him. I turn and look at the couple. Janna is clearly annoyed that he’s ditching her for a church function. I’m sure he’s telling her he’ll make it up in some amazing way. Maybe dinner at Veritas or some quality couple time. It was his classic line..at least with me. And I fell for it, time and again. Apparently so is Janna. She smiles, kisses him. He runs back to my car.

“Is everything ok?” I smile as he slides in.

“Yeah, she wasn’t too happy that I was leaving just after I arrived but I promised her a wonderful night out when I get back.”

“Veritas?”

“Yeah,” he frowns as I turn my head to back out of my space. “Am I that predictable?”

“Austin, we dated for a long time. I know all of your tricks.”

“Sapphira…” he pleads. I knew that would hit him hard. He always did like to maintain his reputation of ladies’ man and that included the element of surprise. Lately, he’s become a bit sloppy.

“Don’t even start with me. I’m not in the mood.” I peel out of the parking lot and speed the whole way to church. I grip the wheel so hard my knuckles turn white and my hands hurt. If God truly loved me He would not be allowing me to hurt so much. He does not care about me! Why would He let me down so much if he did?

We arrive at church and I whip into a parking space. I slam the car into park before it has stopped moving causing it to jerk violently before stopping completely. I jump out and slam the door. I am almost to the building before Austin has even finished getting out of the car. So much for acting calm. So much for loving my neighbor.

Thomas is at the door waiting to greet guests when I walk in. He immediately catches the anger in my face, “Sapphira, what’s wrong?” He lays a hand on my shoulder and stares down at me. I look away hoping to hide the tears that start to burn my eyes. I breath in and just as I’m about to answer, I hear the door open. I resist the urge to turn and look at Austin, but out of the corner of my eye I see Thomas turn towards him. A shadow quickly flashes over his eyes, I assume he realizes who just walked in.

“Hey man. You must be the new vicar. I’m Austin Henessy.” I straighten up and look at Austin as he introduces himself. I can see the jealousy in the tense set of his mouth. Thomas steps towards him and grips his hand.

“Thomas Lawson. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Austin.”

“So do I call you Vicar or what?”

“You can call me Vicar if you want, but you can just call me Thomas.”

“Great!” Austin inched closer to me. I almost expected him to wrap his arm around me out of habit. He’d always do that when he’d get jealous. I can tell from every aspect of his body language that he doesn’t like Thomas; he seems jealous. Maybe he isn’t ready to let go of me yet. Maybe he’s dating Janna to make me jealous. Maybe…

“Pastor Lawson lead me to believe that Sapphira would be the only college student in town for the summer.”

“Yeah, sorry to disappoint ya but things got boring at home, so I decided to come back up and move into my new house a bit early. Plus I was missing my girlfriend.”

I jerk my head to look at Austin. He doesn’t explain just who his girlfriend is these days. Thomas looks at him and back at me. I raise my eyebrows and shake my head just slightly to show my own confusion.

“Well, I am gonna go say hi to Pastor. Haven’t seen him a few months.” Austin squeezes my shoulder as he walks past me; he winks at Thomas.

“Sapphira, what’s going on?” Thomas whispered to me after Austin had moved further down the hallway. I turn, open the door and step outside to get more privacy. Thomas follows and we sit down on the bench just outside the entry.

“I was on my way to my car when i saw him. He was making out with one of my friends,” I can no longer hold back my tears and they start cloud my eyes and roll down my cheeks. “I tried to be polite to him despite my feelings. I told him where I was going and he decided to come as well. He never asked if it was ok, just got in my car and said he was coming with me.”

“So is this friend of yours his new girlfriend?”

“Yes. I guess. Janna, a girl I used to be really good friends with. I know she’s doing it to get back at me for something I said a few days ago, but I just didn’t expect her to sink this low. I mean, the thought crossed my mind, but I didn’t believe it would actually happen.” I cover my face, burying it in my hands, my elbows rest on my knees for support. “I was so happy too. I was so eager to tell you about my afternoon reading Matthew and how I felt like I was beginning to believe. I read your email and…” sobs over take the rest of my words. I feel  Thomas wrap his arm over my shoulder. At first I tense up, shocked by the action, but then, almost without thinking, I turn my face into his shoulder. It might be a bad idea, but at this moment I could careless. For once it feels like someone cares back for me. Thomas does not say anything much to my relief. He simply rubs my arm and lets me cry.

Can I do this?

YES! I grab my robe and wrap myself up in it. I can figure out how to get out of this mess…but first I need coffee.

I stumble around the kitchen trying to set up the coffee machine. I work my way around the roomie’s mess. How did I get stuck with these slobs? Every year I promise myself to find other girls to room with and every year I am unsuccessful and go pot luck.

I’ve never had many girlfriends. The reason why plagued me for years…until my senior year of high school. When I would cry in my mother’s arms over another friendship lost or mean comment, my mom would always tell me the same thing: “It’s because you are beautiful and wealthy. The other girls are jealous and so they hate you.” It was little comfort; I never believed it anyway. Until I decided to experiment a bit. I paid attention to the way people reacted around me. I mean I was always cheerful and accommodating so I didn’t understand why the girls seemed to be annoyed by my presence. But as I began to pay attention I finally noticed the male attention. I finally noticed the frustrated looks from the other girls. I finally got it.

I knew what to do.

My last year of high school I arrived at class dressed in baggy clothes, no make up, sloppy hair. I had even gained a bit of weight. My mom was horrified. Everyone thought it was a joke. Some girls must have thought it was a new fashion trend because a few girls started to dress the same way. My mom warned me I’d never get married if this continued, but I ignored her comments and continued on with my experiment.

Soon people got used to it and took me seriously. Soon I had some girlfriends…and no male attention. I finally realized exactly what the world was like. And it was fairly crushing. I realized that people really do judge by outward appearance and that jealousy can be a ruinous thing. I lost a bit of innocence that day.

But, much to my excitement, I finally had a group of friends. I also stopped obsessing over my appearance. The pressure was off and I was finally happy.

Until College.

My mother insisted I join a sorority and only the best would do. I have never really been one to rebel so I lost the weight and rediscovered the joys of the superficial world. New designer clothes were bought and worn, the make up, re-applied. I got into the top sorority. It helped that I was a legacy and thus pretty much guaranteed acceptance. My mom was happy.

College brought on a whole new social life for me – frat parties. I went, laughed, drank, enjoyed myself. And that is when I met Austin. He was the typical cliché — tall, dark, and handsome. He was frat boy with a guilty conscience. Every Thursday through Saturday he would drink. And every Sunday he would drag himself out of bed and attend church. It was easy to convince myself he was a great Christian guy. His “dedication” was an obvious testament. It helped that we happened to attend the same church. It seemed like fate.

Everyone thought we were the perfect pair.

Soon I found a sense of security with Austin. I enjoyed his friends and found more female friendships. Janna seemed to have a similar situation as me – she had better luck making “friends” with guys than girls. In my security I slacked off. I felt safe once more in my tee shirts and baggy jeans, no make up. Austin said it added to my charm, but quickly mentioned that I couldn’t dress like that if we were going out. Then I needed to be the stereotypical sorority girl. Perfect. Fashionable. Shallow.

The blow came when I started to gain weight. The drinking and partying began to take its toll. I realize know that my disappointment in my weight added a new level of emotional eating. I gained fifteen pounds.

Things with Austin then started to slide.

The comments about working out and eating less reminded me of my mother. He chipped away at myself esteem. The more I attempted to please him the worse I felt. I gained ten more pounds.

He dumped me.

Another bit of innocence lost. As I laid in my closet crying after he dumped me I remember that day I stood in the high school hallway. I remembered the day that I realized guys only wanted me for my looks and that girls hated me because of it.

I think that is when I lost interest — in people, in my sorority, in going out. I stopped hanging out with my girlfriends. I knew they were talking about me and Austin. Blaming me for my failure. They acted sympathetic but in reality they were planning on taking my spot. Austin was a popular guy — president of his fraternity.

Janna was there for me, but I knew better than to trust her. She was a jealous girl and would be the first to ditch me if she thought it would help her in some way. She’s the kind of girl who only talks to other beautiful girls; it’s a strategy for attracting guys. It’s all about politics. If you want to be considered part of the beautiful crowd you have to surround yourself with a beautiful crowd.

These so-called tragic events left me in my current state — without a boyfriend and without girl friends.

Soon the coffee starts to untangle my brain. I curl up in bed and take my journal from the small ledge on my window. At the top of the first clean page I write the date and the words:

Plan to forget Austin. Then I start my list.

Don’t read old journals (I guess I’ll have to get a new one after this).
Avoid “our places”
Avoid our songs
Avoid his friends
DO NOT look at his facebook page
Remove his number from phone
Put away all things that remind me of him

I scan my list and smile. Sounds easy enough. I start to scan the room. Slowly pictures disappear from their frames and there is cork showing on my once covered bulletin board. I grab an empty shoe box from under my bed and start to fill them with the old photos. Next up, jewelry. I pull necklaces, rings, and so forth from my closet and drop them on the photos. Now for the larger items. Trash bag in hand I shove books, a china dish, a drawing pencil set, a few shirts, a sorority pillow he gave me. I tie up the bag and stuff it with the shoe box up into the highest shelf in my small dorm closet. I have one item left — a framed, signed poster of my favorite band which he gave me for Christmas. I decide that they can stay. No use stripping my room of all signs of life over a plan to forget someone. We’ll see how it goes. I think the countless images of his face being ripped from the walls is pretty good for now.

I picked up my phone and deleted him from the contacts list. On my computer, he disappeared from my chat contacts.

Everything gone and put away, I stand in my room. It does feel empty and cold, undecorated. I realize I will have to make a trip to Target and get something to put in place of my memories. Or maybe I’ll just leave it alone and wait for the new memories to be created and find a spot on my wall.

I can’t believe it took me a year to do this. I feel light. Happier than I have in months. Full of satisfaction I sit down at my desk. It wasn’t hard to remove the photos and put them up. But I still had one more thing to do. And this would be hard.

I pull a decorated box from the shelf in front of me. I peek in at the notes and copies of emails printed out and folded up in the box. Letters from Austin. They have to go completely, be destroyed. I don’t need his false sentiments hiding in my closet where I can get to them easily. I take the box into the bathroom with a pack of matches and a candle. I float the candle in some water and light it.

One by one the notes are read, then burned in the tub. As I read the notes for the last time my heart  broke all over again. I savored the little handwritten encouragements and love notes remembering that for a little while we did seem to be in love. He had a great romantic sense about him, but in the end that’s not what really keeps a relationship together. I had thought I wanted some poet to sweep me off my feet, but this poet turned out to be a fraud. Little notes cannot build a relationship if there is nothing real for it to be based on in the first place.

Half way through the readings I realize I’m only torturing myself. I take a handful of cards and hold them over the candle. I pull the drain plug and watch the ashes and bits of paper circle, then get sucked down.

I sigh and lean back, wiping tears from my cheeks with the palm of my hand. Now I can move on.

Do you really think you can?

A dark feeling envelops me and I shiver. Can I really let go? Is it that easy — just hid away the evidence and forget about it? Will my memories follow the bits of ash down the drain? Maybe. Maybe not.

I can do this! I jump up and  leave the darkness on the floor below me. I leave the bathroom and pull the door shut hard, hoping to keep the hurt and pain trapped in there for awhile. My clock informs me that class is almost over. Too late to do anything about it now, I get back in bed. The sheets have grown cold — a welcomed feeling in the heat seems to cling to the walls despite the AC’s best efforts. The other girls constantly complain that it is so cold but I all seem to feel is the stale heat, everywhere, choking me.

Suddenly the darkness is back. I pull the comforter up over my head and wiggle down into the down pillow top. It gets worse. I feel like I am falling and I am unable to grab hold of anything to stop me. Falling through my bed as if a black whole has opened up below it. Desperately, I throw the covers off of me. The empty room screams to me of Austin. I have to get out.

I dress and pick up my keys. Where to go? This whole town is crawling with memories. I notice my bible and suddenly I realize exactly what I should do.

Ten minutes later I turn off my car in the church parking lot. I have no idea if anyone is here or if it is even OK for me to do bust in on the pastor, but this is an emergency. Bible in hand I walk into the Narthex and knock on Pastor Lawson’s office door.

“Come in!” I hear a voice, muffled, through the door. I push it open and walk in. Thomas seems just as shocked to see me, as I am to see him.

“Sapphira! What are you doing here?” He stands quickly, almost knocking over his chair. He turns and grabs the back of the chair to keep if from falling over. “When you didn’t show up for class, I thought you might be sick. Is everything OK?”

“No…yes…ah, you were in class today?” Change the subject.

“Yeah, I told you I would be there when I got the chance.” He smiles, not just with his mouth, but with his whole face. I need to get out of here.

“Where’s Pastor?” I edge my way out of the office and back into the hall. He follows me.

“He got called away and asked me to be here in case anyone showed up. Can I help you with something?”

“Um, well…” I look back at the door leading out of the building. My escape. I look back at him. He’s a pastor-in-training and yes, he can help me, but I don’t really want to talk about Austin with him. A hot pain rises right under my ribcage. If he knew about Austin, Thomas would think I am tainted. Would he run the other way from now on? Would he think I was broken, unworthy of friendship? Why do I care what he thinks! My mind is racing and my thoughts pulling me different ways. Trust him. FINE! “I guess.”

“Then why don’t you take a seat,” he sweeps his arm back towards the office, “and tell me what’s bothering you.”

His shoulders rise slightly and his cheeks redden. “Wow, that sounded like a stuffy old pastor.”

“Yeah, but that’s OK.” I smile a bit, he seems nervous, but I can’t imagine why. He’s not the one about to reveal his insane past and start babbling like a psych patient. I take one of the old leather chairs that face his desk. To my surprise Thomas takes the other one.

“You don’t mind if I sit here, do you? The desk makes me feel pretentious.”

“Not at all,” I lie. I don’t want him this close. I’d rather him be the cool, judgmental pastor figure baring down on me from the other side of the pretentious desk. Next to me he seems like a friend. But don’t I want that? I don’t seem to know. I furrow my brow and stare at a rustic cross nailed on the wall.

It’s silent for a good thirty seconds. I turn my Bible over in my hands. I look at Thomas. He seems to think I’m just going to blurt out whatever is on my mind. I’m hesitant. Maybe he knows that. I mean, he is supposed to be trained in this. He looks confused, maybe a bit frustrated. I start to open my mouth, but he beats me to it.

“Um, so what’s bothering you?”

I sigh and it feels as if that hotness in my ribs spreads through my whole chest and back. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Just start with the beginning.” He smiles. I laugh nervously.

“I guess that’s a good way to start.” Here goes. “Um, about a year ago a guy dumped me. I though we would get married. Honestly, I am not sure why I thought that, but I did. I guess I was naive. Anyway, I have been unable to, um, unable to get past it.”

I look up at him. He’s not wearing the look of bored disgust I expected. Instead he has leaned closer to me. The hotness dissipates from my chest and back. “This morning I woke up determined to forget him. I got rid of all the stuff that made me think of him. I burned our old letters and boxed up everything else, which I sealed and put away in my closet. I felt wonderful for a few moments, but then…”

I hesitate to tell him about the darkness. I feel my muscles tense.

“Then what?” He leans a bit closer, his eyes search my face. I turn back to my hands that are playing with the ribbon bookmark sticking out of my bible.

“Then the darkness crept in. I tried to sleep or something to avoid it but it only got worse so I came here hoping to find Pastor.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. You are trained to do exactly what he does.”

“Ha. Some people don’t think I’m quite ready to deal with anything because I am young and inexperienced. In a way they are right, but I am glad that doesn’t scare you. I might not be completely trained yet, but I do enjoy helping people and I have had more experience than people realize.”

“What made you want to become a pastor?”

“I didn’t always want to be one. I hated church as a kid. My parents were leaders and I just felt like I didn’t quite fit in. I had a hard time accepting the Bible as truth and I argued a lot with the other kids in our bible studies. This didn’t help me make friends. When I started to hang out with a crowd my parents didn’t approve of they forced me to go to the church’s school. This made me want to reject God even more. I thought that He was a mean, pushy, brat of a god and found pleasure in punishing me. In reality, God loves us and wants to heap blessings on us, I just could not see that. I got more rebellious and angry.

“This changed when I met a girl at my new high school. We started dating. She was the ‘perfect Christian teen’. She was cute and modest; smart, but not a genius. She wanted to be a mom one day. Anyway, I am not sure what she saw in me. I was after her for the same reasons most guys go after girls. She put up with my rejection of Christ for a few months. I don’t know why she stuck with me. Maybe she saw some sort of potential, and honestly I am glad she did. Looking back, she was missionary dating which is rarely a good idea, but I guess God had a plan. After about six months of dating, something within me changed. God gave me faith and a deep love for Him and His Word. While Elizabeth didn’t make me believe, I do know she had a strong part in my return to faith. She was very encouraging and patient.”

“Are y’all still together?” I flushed a bit at my obvious question.

“No. We broke up shortly after we went to college. We ended up in separate states – me in Minnesota and she, Alabama. After months of phone calls we both decided that the long distance thing was too distracting. We needed to be free to focus on our education. At first, I thought it was stupid for us to break up. In my opinion, if we had loved each other we could make it work and breaking up was not a wise decisions. But as always, God was smarter than me and he knew what he was doing. Eliza is now married to a wonderful guy she met in Alabama. In fact, I just got an email from her this week. She’s pregnant with her first child.”

“Wow. Does that make you jealous or upset?”

“No. I don’t love her that way any more. She is my sister in Christ and that’s it. I am happy for her and wish her the best; there are no hard feelings between us. Also, time does make a difference and we broke up almost 6 years ago.”

“That’ nice.” I shift in my seat. ” It’s been a few weeks since I last saw Austin. He actually goes to church here, so you will meet him in the fall.”

“How do you feel about that? I mean, that he goes to church here.”

“It was really hard at first, but I guess by the end of this year I was doing fine. It has just been about a year since he dumped me.”

“Would it help for you to tell me about the whole situation?”

“It wouldn’t hurt I guess.” I tell Thomas how Austin and I met, his treatment of me, and how he dumped me. The further on in the story I go, the more awkward Thomas becomes. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe this is stirring up old feelings in him. His eyebrows move towards each other as he looks at me, and yet, it seems for a moment or two that he is looking through me. After I finish the story, he leans back quickly, an intense look on his face.

“Austin was not acting like your brother in Christ. It seems that he might have some issues to work through.” His voice is oddly gruff. “But since I can’t deal with him… I mean help him… and you are here with your concerns….we’ll focus on what you need.”

The whole mood has changed. Thomas had seems so soft and concerned. Something in his face, his eyes, his voice, now seemed angry. I knew it. He realizes how flawed and tainted I am. I feel a bit of panic rise in me. I want to get up and walk out, but instead I meekly say thanks. I am not done with my story and I have yet to tell him why I really came. I want to tell him, especially since I know that he struggled with his faith for years, but his new cold manner is throwing me off.

“You seem to have something else to say.” He looks intensely at me.

Just tell him.

“I am not as…well, I mean…I seem to have lost my faith.” I blurt it out quickly. I pull my shoulders up waiting for some accusing words to fly out of his mouth.

“Hm. Well you came to the right place for that. Faith comes from the message, so why don’t we read some scripture.” Thomas picks up his well-worn Bible from the desk. I look down at my crisp Bible. It looks like new. It’s embarrassing. Thomas, maybe picking up on my embarrassment, continues. “I have to point out that it is a good sign you choose to turn to the church for healing over many other…ah, worldly solutions.”

I feel my awkwardness taking over.

“Do you think you have forgiven Austin for dumping you?”

“I never really thought about it, so I guess I haven’t.” Why in the world would i want to forgive him.

“Then we’ll focus on two things — first faith, then forgiveness. We already established that faith comes from hearing God’s word. it states that in Romans ten-seventeen. So my first suggestion would be to start spending time reading the Bible. At first this will be really hard if you are not used to doing it, so just try and read a chapter a night. If you want, read more. Also, remember that you cannot create your faith. God does. ‘God, you have dealt to me and every man, the measure of faith.’ That’s Romans twelve-three. Any questions?”

“None.” He sounded like the teachers-assistance when they were unexpectedly asked to teach a lesson.

“Then we’ll look at some scripture about forgiveness. Stop me whenever you need to.” Thomas clears his throat. I look up at him an noticed the sheen of sweat gathering above his eyebrows. He furrows them once more. I can’t tell if he’s nervous about advising me or wanting out of the situation.

“I will.” I whisper, tempted to stop him right now and run out the door.

“Ah, it is important to remember that Christ forgave us of all our sins the moment he died on the cross. Though we will sin throughout our lives, he forgives us because he love us so much. In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus told us to say ‘Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.’ You see, Christ has called us to forgive others just as he forgives us.”

“But how will that help me? If I hate Austin, wouldn’t it be easier to get over him.”

“Maybe, but that’s not really glorifying to God. You see hate doesn’t bring peace and it seems that peace is what you need right now. If you forgive Austin this will come about with the help of God. It might not get you past your feelings but it will get you past your anger. God has control of your life, Sapphira. He loves you so much and wants you to love Him back. He is pursuing you in a way that Austin never can. Austin is flawed.” He almost spits the word ‘flawed’. It shocks me and I turn to look at him. He leans really close to me before he goes on and for a second I worry he will touch me. He clears his throat again, “Austin is flawed just like you and me and every other human. God has no flaws and he will never leave you. He is with you everywhere you go.”

Thomas stops talking for a moment. A large pathetic tear rolls down my left cheek. I turn my head from him hoping to regain my composure, but instead more tears begin to stain my face. I decide it’s really too late to worry about what Thomas thinks of me. I turn back to him; I don’t try to read his expression. I just talk.

“But how do I do that! How do I forgive!!” I almost yell. “I rarely see him and even when I do he does NOT want to talk to me. He treats me like trash and yet I still like him! I don’t get it. I hate him and yet I want to be with him! Am I crazy?”

Thomas inhales sharply, loudly. Maybe this is too much for him.

“No, you are not crazy. Don’t ever call yourself crazy and never let anyone else say that to you.” His words were tense. He grabbed a tissue and handed it to me. He gave me a few moments to compose myself before continuing. “God might not be here in a way that you understand, but he is here. All around us we can see the things He creates. These things speak to us of his glory, his wisdom, his infinite power. If God can create the earth, he can help you forgive and move forward. If God loved the world, including you, enough to allow his only Son to die a horrific death two thousand years ago in order to forgive ALL of our sins, He will love you in this pain and he’ll get you through it.”

Suddenly, almost without realizing it, I jump up. “I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry, I just….” embarrassed by my odd behavior, I decide to run, which for some reason, I don’t think is an odd reaction. I hear Thomas call after me, but I ignore it. All I think about is getting to my car. I am embarrassing myself and Thomas doesn’t seem to want to deal with this. I can’t let him feel bad about his abilities as a pastor. I reach my car and realize I don’t have my keys. Or purse. CRAP! I don’t want to face him. I turn to see him run out the double doors.

“Sapphira!” He catches up with me. I put out my hand to take my purse. He doesn’t hand me my purse, instead he hides it behind his back. “What’s wrong?!”

“I’m sorry Thomas. I don’t want you to think you aren’t good at this. I just, maybe I…I don’t know what to think. I’m damaged goods.”

“So am I.” He moves both of his hands upward, but quickly tightens them back to his side. He gets very rigid for a moment then relaxes. “So am I, we all are. But that’s why you have to remember that we have Christ. He was perfect so that we don’t have to be. We can’t be perfect even if we want to. But He is our Flawless Lamb, our Redeemer.”

“I want to believe, I really do. I want to know I am loved. I just don’t. I feel like I have been left behind by the only person I have ever loved. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Yes, I do.” he huffed. “Elizabeth dumped me.”

“Oh.” I look at the pavement, heat rushes to my face as I realize my self-centered behavior. “Wait, I thought you said it was mutual.”

“Only partially. I did not believe that just because there was distance between us we should break up. She did. We argued about it for a while, but one day I called her and another guy answered the phone. I realized that the distance was not the issue. I also realized that Elizabeth wasn’t as perfect as I thought. Maybe I was holding her up on a pedestal. Maybe I was attached to her because she pulled me through my crisis of faith. In reality, it wasn’t the distance. It was her feelings. She wanted to see another guy; she just didn’t want to admit it. She was trying to save my feelings. Maybe she also felt obligated due to our past. I don’t know. I just told her she was right — that the distance was too much. I didn’t want to cause a messy break up by calling her out on her duplicity. It turns out the other guy would become her future husband. You see, God was in control of the situation. He had another guy in mind for Elizabeth and I pray he has another woman in mind for me.

“Instead of hating him for leaving me without a girlfriend, I chose to trust him. I was so angry at first, but mostly with Elizabeth. I was a bit angry with God for a few weeks, I will admit that. It took me a bit of time to work through all of my sins. I even questioned my decision to become a pastor.”

“How did you get past it?”

“My uncle. He came up to visit me. One of his former classmates was a prof and he told my uncle that my grades were slipping and I wasn’t acting like myself. Lawson wouldn’t leave me until I told him what was going on. I was so stubborn about it. I used to think I knew everything, but I didn’t then and I don’t now. We sat in my dorm room staring at each other for almost four hours until I finally gave in. Luckily, my uncle is just as stubborn as I am. “

I cant help but start to giggle.

“What…?” Thomas eyeballs me.

“I just thought of you and Pastor….staring at each other.” Thomas laughs.

“Looking back it’ funny, but it didn’t seem so at the time. See one day maybe you’ll look back and find this funny too.” He smiles one of those smiles that uses up his whole face.

“I hope so.” I shuffle my feet. Neither of us say a word and I start to wonder what it is about Thomas that both makes me nervous and yet comforts me. He’s real. It’s not something I have encountered very often. It should make me feel at ease but his “realness” calls me to be real with myself. I’m not sure if I am ready to face reality. I want to but this hurts. I am tired of the hurt. He quickly hands me my purse. “Thank you for your help.”

He smiles and extends his hand to me. “Now that we’ve cleared the air a bit and you know that I have gone through the same thing, I hope you will be OK with talking to me.”

“Thanks, Thomas. I’m sure I will.” I unlock the door and slide into the front seat. Thomas holds the door open for a moment.

“Will you be at the party on Wednesday?” his voice carries just a bit of eagerness, for what I am not sure.

“I think I will.” I smile one of the first real smiles I have shared in a long time. He nods and shuts the door. As I pull away he waves to me. A sense of guarded hope fills my mind. I feel as if I have found a true friend.

Your thoughts? Keep it or lose it?

I kinda what to keep it because I want the insight into the character. Maybe I will even though I think she sounds arrogant.

We’ll see. Please post your thoughts.

“What’s eating ya, Thomas?” His voice startles me. I drop the pen and look up.

“Hmm? Oh, hey, just thinking about stuff.”

“Well, I figured that much.” He laughs and sits down in an old leather chair facing the desk. “Anything you want to talk about?”

“Well, I just don’t know what’s come over me. I mean you know me really well. Have I ever been forward with girls? Usually it takes me a long time to even pull together the courage to ask a girl anything.”

“True, but you’re growing up and probably more eager to find a wife so you’re able to risk a bit more.” Lawson leans back and crosses his leg. He sips on a cup of coffee left over from the reception.

“Maybe.” I pick up the pen again. I hesitate to tell my uncle about Sapphira. He won’t approve of me getting involved. He wants me association free so that I can work my butt off with the congregation. He’s a workaholic and expects the same from all of us. Of course, he already has his suspicions so maybe I should just be straight with him. I decide to go for full disclosure. “The first time I saw her, in class that day, something immediately drew me to her. Something more than her beauty. I don’t know why, she was rude to me, but I decided to stay and be friendly. I could tell she was annoyed with my persistent talking.

“Then I saw her at that piano place. I thought I’d just sip a beer, hid in the corner for a while, and soak up the atmosphere. Then I saw her and when those guys were pestering her I jumped at the chance to be the ‘hero’ for her. It’s so weird cause I am usually not like that. I usually avoid such confrontation, but it’s like I didn’t even think. I just acted.”

“It’s good you are breaking out of your shell, Thomas. Don’t be so worried about it. I am going to warn you though. If you like Sapphira you are going to have to be patient. She’s still pining for that no good ex-boyfriend of hers.”

“Who’s he? She mentioned something about a boyfriend when I met her the first time. She seemed annoyed by some memory that came to mind. I apparently wear the same cologne as him.”

“I hate to talk poorly about one of our church members, but I really do not like Austin. He’s a playboy. A frat guy who finds delight in manipulating others. He does it to guys and girls. I don’t see any of his lifestyle reflecting a desire to know Christ. He drinks a lot, or so it seems come Sunday morning. He tries to hide his hangovers but I’m no idiot. I was in college once. Sapphira has borne the brunt of his trash behavior. She’s sadly adapted to fit her perception of Austin’s ideal girl. She seems to think that they belong together. The past year has been rough. I fear that it is affecting her walk with God. “

I nod. I could sense the bitterness in her voice in class. She seemed to reject any genuine attention and kept me at an arm’s length that day. Her guard was down at the bar, but when her friends showed up, she was back on the defense. It showed all over her face.

“I haven’t had a serious talk with her.” I shrug it off to Lawson. I don’t want to worry him. “Well, aside from that conversation a few minutes ago when I thought I needed to explain to her why I was at the bar.”

“My advise to you is to just be polite and act like her Vicar. I don’t know if it would be wise for you to get involved with a church member unless you are certain about your feelings. Be her friend, that’s all she needs right now. She will  have to learn to move past her disappointment and lean on God. Maybe you can help her with that.”

“I’ll try. You know, I am trained to do that.” I smile, but it’s forced. I know it’s more important to be trained to help people spiritually, but right now I wish I had some sort of training for how to deal with broken hearted girls. I try to shake the new desire I feel for Sapphira and remind myself of my true purpose. Only God can truly mend her heart. I can only point her in the right direction.

“Sorry to change the subject, but I want to you to come on the calls with me this week. Then you can get an idea about how they usually go. You can eat with us today if you want.”

“Thanks. I’ll do that. I am not too eager to sit alone in my empty apartment.” At least the intensity of Lawson’s large family will distract me. The last thing I need right now is to be alone with my thoughts. And honestly, who refuses free food?

Being that we live in a so-called “post modern world” where published writers don’t use punctuation or write a hundred page book in one paragraph, I have decided to add a second layer to the book. I will add back in Thomas’ mental view-point by writing in chapters from his 1st person perspective when I feel it is appropriate.

I still plan to keep the majority of the book from Sapphira’s perspective, but I think Thomas needs to get his thoughts out there too.

This means I might republish chapters in a new format (aka – chapter four may become chapter five) so that I can have chapters just for Thomas. I have skipped over all my writing from his perspective and now in order for the chapters to be in order, I will delete and republish them all so that they fit correctly and are in true order.

The weekend was spent ignoring everything. I sat in bed and watched a Cary Grant marathon on the classic movie channel, ordering take out for almost every meal.  I have not left the apartment since Friday after returning from class. A niggling thought that I might be depressed crosses my mind, but I brush it away reinforcing my new strategy of ignorance. Even if I have slept and lounged away the weekend at least I am up for church – my unbreakable habit.

I take extra care to get dressed, my efforts to please God. A weekend of sleep has erased the dark circles under my eyes and refreshed my skin – an accidental result of hiding from the world. Make up perfectly applied, I smooth down my well pressed cotton dress and brush my hair one last time. Mom would be proud.

It takes less than ten minutes to get to church, but I’m late. The small parking lot is full. I park and rush in, taking my spot in the usual pew. Normally I arrive in time to chat with a few of the other members, but today I sit down, smile at the people nearby and turn to the alter just in time to see Pastor Lawson walk out in his white vestments.

“Welcome to Christ Our Savior! Before we get started with the service I want to take a moment to introduce the new vicar who will be serving us for the next year. Vicar, will you please come to the alter?” I stare as Thomas walks up. My cheeks flush in shock. How did I miss him? He was sitting only a few pews in front of me! He stands and faces the congregation, which he quickly scans. His eyebrows raise slightly as he locks eyes with me. He smiles faintly.

“I would like to introduce you to Thomas Lawson. He is our new vicar and just happens to be my nephew. Thomas will be helping out around here for a while and since he’s new to the area I expect you guys to show him around. Texas is quite a bit different than Wisconsin.” Pastor’s gaze rests on me for a moment. My stomach tightens up a bit. Thomas sits down. I spend the majority of the service trying extra hard to pay attention to the liturgy but my eyes keep drifting to the mass of dark hair a few yards in front of me.

Suddenly, a wave of questions flood my mind. What was he doing in the bar…and why did he have to be cute? Aren’t pastors supposed to be all angry, hell and damnation types? I manage to drag my mind back to the hymn and refuse to look anywhere but at Pastor for the rest of the service.

I must have focused too hard because I’m surprised when the last hymn is over. I grip my purse as Pastor makes  a few announcements. Should I get out of here quickly or wait to talk to Thomas in the Narthex? Maybe I should just talk to a few people then leave…that wouldn’t seem so obvious. I wring my hands together as Pastor moves down the isle greet people and dismissing them from the sanctuary. I think to get up and dismiss myself but as soon as I make a move I notice Pastor standing at the end of my pew.

“I am glad to see you here, Sapphira,” he says quietly as he shakes my hand. “You are the closest to Tom’s age and he’ll need a friend to show him around. You won’t mind doing that right?”

“Not at all,” I manage to choke out. Now I’m really trapped.

“Oh, and you seemed a little distracted during announcements. Make sure you stay for the reception in the fellowship hall.” I smile then file down the aisle and wait in the fellowship hall to busy myself with helping Mrs. Lawson set out cookies.  Thomas arrives in the room and so I feign the need to get more cups and quickly move into the kitchen. I open all the cabinets in an effort to stall. Oh gosh this is so stupid. I should just face him. What is my problem! I step back into the fellowship hall, but I realize I don’t have any cups in hand. Turning towards the room I notice that he isn’t anywhere in the room…nor are any men.

“They went to look at Thomas’ vehicle.”

“Pardon?” I ask the older woman, whose name I can never remember.

“Thomas has some fancy car and all the men are gaga over it. “

“I see…” All the women are staring at me. Twenty sets of wrinkly eyes twinkling with delight.

“He’s very good looking.” Ruthie whispers. She always whispers.

“And so nice!” Exclaims another. Great. All I need is to be the new Ladies Circle project.

“I didn’t notice.” I lie quickly and try to return for the cups that we really don’t need.

“HA! I’m sure you didn’t!” I can hear the smiles in their giggly, if slightly wobbly voices.

“I really didn’t –” my protest falls short as I realize that I am not going to convince them. They have their minds made up and they can already see the decorations in the sanctuary. “I really need to get going. I have homework. Y’all have a good week, see you next Sunday.”

“The Ladies Circle is having a party for Thomas on Wednesday night. You are more than welcome to come, but I understand if you are busy.” Mrs. Lawson gives me a knowing look.

“Thank you. If I am free, I’ll be there.” I smile and leave. Before walking out into the parking lot I peek out the front doors. A herd of men are poking around a BMW SUV. Hm, I wonder if I can get away without being noticed. I mean they are so very excited about that car. Thomas must be in the car as I don’t see him with –

“Hey.” I twirl around so fast I lose my balance and Thomas catches me.  He laughs, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you!”

I quickly right myself, annoyed by the flush I feel on my cheeks. “It’s ok, I just thought you were out there so when I heard your voice behind me it just shocked me.”

“Oh, I was in the office.” Awkward pause. I shift my eyes to look behind him a bit. “I don’t care too much for the SUV. It’s my dads. He just thought I might need a bigger vehicle for Texas. You know a truck or something, but we don’t own a truck. Honestly, I feel really weird about that car, you know a congregation doesn’t really want to see their spiritual leader in luxury vehicle. It might raise questions.”

He was speaking fairly quickly. The car seemed to make him nervous.

“I don’t think anyone really cares.” I try to shrug it off. I don’t care about it; I’m much more interested in what he was doing at the bar. But before I can ask, he blurts out a sentence as if reading my mind.

“I guess I’m your shining knight.” I look at him somewhat thrown off by the cheesy comment. He wrinkles up his nose and smiles awkwardly as if he regrets the line.

“Ha, ah, yeah I guess so,” I can’t help but smile. I tilt my head to the floor hoping he doesn’t see it and think I am making fun of him.

“I didn’t know that the Piano Bar was that way…”

“You don’t have to explain your actions to me. I was there too.” I laugh as I remember my attire. I looked like a street walker.

“Yes, I do. I’m about to be your vicar.” His voice was very serious. “I didn’t realize it would be such a scene. I really hate bars like that. I thought it would be low key. I had just arrived when I saw you. I was walking up to say hi when that fight broke out. I had kind of hoped to be the one to deck that guy but your friend got him before I did.”

“Good thing. If you are worried about cars and bars shouldn’t you worry about getting in fights and going to jail?”

“I guess you’re right about that.” He laughs nervously.

“I usually don’t dress like that. I never do things like that. I don’t know why I was there except for the companionship. They are old friends, friends from a past life that doesn’t really exist anymore. I was also kind of a fashion project.” I talk quickly, nervously, without a pause.

“Really, Sapphira, you didn’t do anything wrong.” He tilts his head to the side and looks at me with those serious dark eyes.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. I’m just a bit shocked to find you here. First, you were just a kid in my class who disappeared, then you pretty much rescued me from a possible beating, now you are the new vicar.”

“I’ll admit that I knew you’d be here. After I met you in class I asked my uncle if he knew you. He said you’d been a member here for a few years. I guess you could say I’m a little bit more than happy to have someone around my age in the congregation.

“There are a few more college students, but I’m the only one here for the summer.”

“That’s what Uncle Tom said. Sorry, I should call him Pastor around here.”

“I don’t care. Call him what you want.” I notice a few lined faces peering around the corner. “Um I really need to get going. I have to read for class.”

“I’ll see you next Sunday.” I shake his hand, which seems forced and odd at our age. As I drive home I wonder why I felt like justifying myself to him. What did it matter what he thinks? I barely believe in God anyway so what should I care much about the vicar? Why? Because two hours ago he wasn’t the vicar and he was a constant in my mind. I feel almost betrayed by this change. Did I want to know so I could act like I cared about spiritual matters? Would I have peppered my speech with the right Christian words? You would just be a fake. It doesn’t matter anyway.

I walk into the apartment and crash on my bed. The clock on the side table reads Two P.M. My stomach growls at me; a loud reminder that I have yet to eat, but I’m not interested in eating right now. How can I with this bloody trap on my foot? If I lay here long enough I just might sink into the mattress. Ten minutes go by and my stomach growls again. FINE! I get up and walk to the car. As I open the door a hard nasty slap of hot air. The black leather is hot, too hot. I hate Texas. I turn the car on and drive to Jason’s Deli, barely touching the steering wheel with my fingertips. I park, order, and sit down in a corner booth and start to people watch. Some sat in large groups; some sat in couples, deep in important conversation, others sat alone, a notebook laid open on the table. I should have brought a book. A sandwich appears in front of me, I thank the man and bow my head, but honestly, I’m not sure what to say. God….God….. Um, Our Father, who art in heaven…

“Sapphira!” I jerk my head up to the sound of an overly friendly voice I know too well. There stands Janna and Joshua. Gosh those two are inseparable. He loves her. She loves every other guy.

“Hey,” I squeak out.

“We saw you sitting here so we just sat down. I hope you don’t mind.” Janna spoke but the words didn’t really mean what they were meant to sound like. She really didn’t care if I minded.

“I hope we aren’t bothering you,” Joshua leans in.

“Oh…no. I’m glad to have some company.” I lie. At least it will be a distraction. “What’s up?”

“Well, we both moved back yesterday and have just been decorating and hanging out.” Janna explained.

“Oh cool.” I take a bite of sandwich and ask, mouth full, “Where are y’all staying?”

Janna frowns slightly at my faux pas but answers in her East Texas honey filled voice, “Both of us are at the Oxford Complex.”

“I’m there too.”

“Awesome.” Joshua reaches over and takes a fry. I hit him with the fry I am holding. He quickly grabs two and shoves them into his mouth. A big winning smile spreads over his face.

“We are going to Piano Bar tomorrow night. You’re coming right?” He manages. Janna frowns again but turns to me with a big smile. She approves my invitation.

“Um…I’m not sure if I–”

“Oh come on Sapphira. It’ll be so fun. We have a lot of other friends who will be with us. You haven’t met them so it will be a good chance to get out and meet people.” Janna folds her hands over the table and leans forward over them.

“Just call me with more details. I’ll see how I’m feeling tomorrow.” Luckily they don’t push me any further. We eat the rest of our meal talking about summer plans ruined by summer school and recalling the days of our wild freshman year. The year I met them. The year I met Austin. Much to my relief his name never comes up in the lunch time conversation. It’s hard not to ask his best friends how he is doing. But it will be embarrassing to bring it up.

Dark clouds form out of nowhere as they frequently do in east Texas. I run to my car and manage to get the door closed right before the toad choker starts.  Toad choker. I love Texas slang. I should use it more often. Large clear drops slam into my windshield and turn a mucky gray when they mix with the road dust and bug guts. I sit and watch the water roll down the window. I don’t want to go home, but I can’t think of anything else to do. My mind is blank for a while as I watch the gray ribbons. I start the car and drive back to my apartment.

***

Thomas isn’t in class today. I spend the majority of the period scanning the faces hoping to see his. I’m kind of glad he’s not here–no annoying questions, no cologne, no cute vintage preppy-slash-hippie-ness distracting me from my purpose. Why does he distract me? He’s not my type. He’s too….well, he’s. He’s too dark, too happy. Too confident by far. He probably has a big ego as well. Hm, he’d look good manning a large sail boat. His three-day scruff on his neck and chin, his dark wavy hair tossed about in the wind…

Stop it!

Class is over. Crap! I have nothing on my page aside from the date and half of what seems to be the word “gargoyle”. Great. I pack up my stuff and hurried from the class room. And within twenty minutes I am covered in bubbles, a book in hand, and a lean pocket perched on the edge of the bathtub. The steam from the hot water makes my book cover slick and the pages limp. I notice that a small thumb print remains on each page I read. Maybe I shouldn’t read in the bath. Books need to stay crisp; no crinkles or fox eared pages. The spine should not be cracked. I sigh realizing that my mom has left too strong of an impression on me.

Growing up everything had to be perfect. Mom was the “perfect lady”–beautiful, thin, perfectly groomed at all times. I was the opposite, disheveled, scattered, never giving into the horrific and endless pursuit for perfect. And yet, despite myself, I have let her personality spill into mine.

A Bach concerto screams from my phone and interrupts my frustrated walk into the past.

“Hello?”

“Hey sweetie,” Janna coos on the other end. “So we are leaving at ten-thirty sharp. You better be at my door or in the parking lot.”

“I don’t know Janna. I’m–”

“…sitting in your room feeling sorry for yourself?” she cuts in.

“I’m not!”

“If I know you, right now you are lying in a bath moping or something.”

“Fine. I’ll be there.” Dang it! I can’t be that transparent. I dump the phone next to me and slide down into the water, holding myself there for several moments before bringing my head back up and gasping for some air. It’s only four o’clock. What in the world am I going to do for six and a half hours?

When ten-twenty-five rolls around, I’m standing in my strapless bra and panties in the middle of a pile of clothes.  As usual, there’s nothing decent to go out in. I fling another silk tank top against the mirrored door of my closet. Everything is too big. Ok, so maybe losing some weight is a positive outcome of the break up. Now if only I actually went shopping…

I pick up the phone and call Janna. “I can’t go.”

“Yes you can,” she sighs, drawing out the word ‘can’.

“I really don’t have anything to wear.”

“Shut up. You have tons of clothes.”

“They don’t fit. I’ve lost too much weight.”

“Honey, there is no such thing…hmmm. Ok well I think we are probably the same size now so why don’t you come up here and we’ll get you something fabulous to wear.”

“I…” I’m out of excuses. “Ok. I’m coming.” I throw on jeans and a tee then stomp up to Janna’s room. The door is already slightly open so I push it just a bit and walk into the living room. Joshua and a couple of boys are drinking on the sofa.

“Where’s Janna?”

“In here!” I hear the high voice calling from the room. Joshua punctuates the call by pointing in the obvious direction. I nod and push past a guy standing in the door jam of Janna’s room. I slam the door behind me.

“Why didn’t you tell me there were already a ton of guys up here?”

“Don’t be so sensitive. Now let’s get you dressed.” She disappears into the closet and soon emerges with a short denim skirt, cotton halter, and gold stilettos. “You will look so hot in this.”

“I don’t think so. You are shorter than me! My butt will hang out!”

“No it won’t…God! You have to flaunt a little of it if you are going to get any attention.” Janna’s means of gaining attention is not the most self-respecting. “Now get dressed.”

I exchange my baggy jeans and tee for the short skirt and empire styled top. Oh great. They fit. I slip on the shoes. Too tight. I tell Janna this but she insists that they won’t bother me. Plus they look “way too perfect!” to be removed and thus ruin Janna’s creation.

Janna brushes some make up onto my eye lids and hands me the mascara stick. I dab some on. Frustrated at my conservationism she takes it and dabs quite a bit more on and my eyes water a bit. Then she grabs the sides of my face with one hand and pushes in to pucker my lips. A Chanel stick comes up and rubs red lipstick over my lips. And I’m done. Janna leans back and smiles upon her work, then stands and opens the door dramatically. Joshua starts to hoot–he does it a lot when he’s drunk. I peek my head around the corner. Gosh I feel ridiculous. And slutty. Janna and the five boys are staring at me. Stop being retarded. I step out. Joshua hoots louder and the other guys simply smile at me. I gain a few suggestive compliments as we walk out the door.

“We all look sexy tonight!” Janna practically yells. I can tell she’s probably regretting making me up. She’s so jealous sometimes. They march confidently through the apartment lobby and to the truck. I wobble behind them, pulling the skirt down as far as I can without pulling it off even though that wouldn’t make too much of a difference. Janna jumps around enjoying the attention Joshua and four of the other guys are giving her. The fifth guy turns around and notices my trouble.

“I’m Jonah.”

“Sapphira,” I grumble back as I tug at the hem once more.

“Where’d that name come from?” He’s walking next to me know.

“Uh, someone told me it’s from the Bible, but I don’t know why  my mom gave it to me.”

“That’s cool. My name is also from the Bible. In fact one of the books bears my name. I was a prophet, a scared prophet who disobeys God.”

I laugh slightly. Just my luck to get a Bible beater. “You really know your stuff.”

“Well just that.  I don’t really know anything else about the Bible….aside from what you learn in Sunday School as a kid.”

“I see. Do you go to church?”

“Sometimes. You know, when Saturday night hasn’t been too hard on me.” He laughs and jabs me with an elbow. “Do you go out often?”

“Not really. Janna and Joshua just wouldn’t take no for an answer tonight. I’m more of a dinner and move kind of girl.”

“Are you asking me out?”

“Um…” AWKWARD!! What is wrong with you, dude? How does that sound like a pick up line?

“I’m just teasing…” he pinches my arm lightly.

“Hurry UP!” Janna yells from a  huge truck. I pick up my pace. This is going to be a long night.

“Do we have room for everyone? Jonah asks. “If not, Sapphira can sit on my lap.”

“Oh that’s ok,” I say quickly. “I’ll just sit in the bed.”

“NO!” Janna squeals. “Two of the guys can be gentlemen and sit back there.”

Jonah hurries into the cab. Would that You have given me a Bible beater. Joshua pushes me into the cab and climbs in after me. Finally we are on our way. As we drive the few miles to the bar Jonah takes every opportunity and hard turn to squeeze closer to me. Finally he wraps his arm around the top of the seat and gives me a wink. I throw up a bit in my mouth. Or so I feel like doing.

The parking lot is full when we get to Piano Bar so we park a few blocks away and walk. My heels dig into me and I regret coming even more. The interior of the bar is even worse. It is almost too crowded to walk and I’m sure that at least a few codes are broken. The two bars, catty corner to each other, are crowded with people fighting over who gets to order next. A young guy sits at the piano pounding out pop songs while scantily clad girls dance near him with dollar bills and requests. Guys go to strip joints, girls go to piano bar.  There are people everywhere. Guys checking out girls, hoping for some action. Girls flirting with guys, hoping for a free drink…and some action. Football players in one corner nodding to people who yell out their names. Drunk people standing in line for more drinks. People trying to dance. Some succeeding. It is the typical college mating ritual. Once again I feel like vomiting. I watch as girls check each other out, sizing up the competition. Guys think that we girls dress for them, but in reality we dress for other girls and  no one wants to be out dressed. All in competition to be the hottie. I get a few dirty looks. Most likely for this slutty outfit. I kinda feel like crying and laughing at the same time. Maybe I’m going crazy.

As we push towards the bar, I see a short man grab Janna’s arm and ask her to go home with him. One of the guys wraps his arm around her and glares and the man. The smarm apologizes and moves away in search of a successful one-night-stand. Joshua, who towers over most of the people in the room, manages to grab the attention of a female bartender. He orders our drinks and tosses her a credit card. “Keep it open.” Soon I have a cheap whiskey and coke in my hand.

“Let’s move to the side. there are less people there and we can see the piano.” Janna takes charge as usual and starts pushing through the crowed. We are shocked to find a table with six chairs. And it has been cleaned off. That never happens. I manage to get a chair that faces the piano. I focus on the player and tune out Jonah who is siting next to me arm around my shoulder. He doesn’t seem to care that I am not listening. He just wants to regurgitate stories. I raise an eyebrow or smile at what seems the punch line. But mainly I am watching the stage as different people jump up onto the platform to put money in the jar and yell out a song to play. Without fail the pianist manages to play every country, rap, and punk rock song he hears. Even a few Eighties classics come along. When I finally turn back to the table, I notice that Joshua was gone. And maybe another guy or two. I can’t keep track. Jonah has four empty beer cans in front of him. A few shot glasses are scattered near by. He has one in his hand. I just hope they aren’t all his. Janna is making out with the driver. Disgusting. I stand and move towards the bathroom.

“Hey, do you know what state we are in?” some guy asks me as I near the back of the bar. His voice is slurred.

“Excuse me?” I yell over the music.

“My friends and I have been traveling all over this great…nation. We forgot what …state…what state we are in tonight!”

“Texas,” I inform them than move towards the bathroom.

“Texas! I love Texas girls. Everything;s bigger in Texas, eh sexy?” The drunk eyes my chest as he grabs my arm and pulls me towards him. His friends all laugh. I panic slightly but yell at him to let me go. My struggling only seems to encourage him. He’s too strong and I start to  look around for help when I hear Jonah’s garbled voice yell, “Let go…of her!” I duck just in time to miss the flying fist that lands square on the drunk’s mouth. Another quick fist lays him out on the floor. The friends turn towards Jonah and a fight breaks out. Soon others are involved out of shear drunken excitement mixed with the desire to feel macho. I scream as I try to back up but it seems the whole bar is moving towards me trying to see the melee. Someone grabs my wrist and pulls on me. I try to shake it but I’m tired and frustrated.

“Sapphira, it’s me–Thomas!” I stop and stare at him a couple of seconds before pulling it together.

“From class!”

“Yeah, follow me. I’ll help you outta here.” I know somewhere in my brain is a warning about following strange men, but panic tells me to just let him lead me away from the bar. I probably won’t be able to get out myself as everyone is pushing towards the fight.

“Thank you… so much!” I sigh once we are out the door and standing in the parking lot.

“No problem. I saw you just as your boyfriend laid out that guy. I figured that you’d want to get out of there as soon as you could.”

“He’s not…my boyfriend…” I try to regain control of my breathing. I’m still kind of woozy from the adrenalin rush.

“Oh.” Thomas smiles slightly.

“I just met him tonight. I got talked into coming by some old friends. I hate going out. I never do this.”

“Do you need help finding your friends?”

“I doubt they know I’m gone. They’re pretty drunk.”

“Ah..” We get awkwardly silent for a few moments, then Thomas says, “Abe Lincoln.”

“Excuse me?”

“Abe Lincoln. Supposedly, whenever there is a lull in conversation everyone thinks of Abe Lincoln.” He grins exposing nearly perfect teeth. I look at him oddly and his grins wavers a bit. I feel it rising up in me then all of the sudden I just start laughing. Giggling uncontrollably.

“It really wasn’t that funny,” he laughs a bit.

“I know. I know!” I manage to get out in between giggles. I am laughing so hard I can’t breath and I have to sit down. At that point I realize that emotions are making me go berserk. I feel like crying again. But I keep laughing.

“You’re are going to half to let me in on the joke.” He sits down next to me.

“It’s just so…ridiculous!…This whole thing….is stupid….” I keep laughing.

“This bar or the Abe Lincoln thing?”

“The bar!” more uncontrollable fits of laughter. I can’t believe this guy isn’t running for the hills. He probably thinks I’m nutty. “How is this fun?”

“I’m not really sure…” His voice is all seriousness.

“So what happened to you,” I ask. He turns towards me. “I mean in class. You didn’t come back.”

“Oh. I am not registered for classes. I just wanted to check it out. Um…I studied some architecture in college and I was thinking about sitting in on a class, but I’m really too busy right now.”

“I see.” I’m sure he just feels awkward about my strange behavior and is avoiding me at all costs. He probably just wants to find another class. One that I am not in. He just too nice to say that.

“Sapphira!” Janna’s voice calls out.

“I’m here,” I turn towards the door and see her running towards me. They boys are carrying Jonah.

“We need to go before the cops get here!”

I turn back to Thomas. “I’m sorry but I…”

“Maybe I’ll see ya in class if I have a free day.” He holds out his hand to help me stand. I take the offered help. Once up, I don’t drop the hand. Nor does he. OH NO! Uh…I start shaking it a bit and thank him for helping me out of the bar.

“My pleasure. Beautiful.” We drop hands. Did he just tell me I am beautiful?  No it’s a reference to my name. He’s just being nice. Or weird. I don’t know which. I’m probably just making a big deal out of nothing. But he’s smiling at me. A big goofy smile. I smile back and say bye and hurry away.

At the truck the guys put Jonah in the bed. I peek in to see the damage. A little blood above the eye and on his lip. Pretty lucky for a bar fight. Especially one he started. I climb into the cab with the rest of the gang. I’m honestly relieved that Jonah isn’t in there with us.

“So what happened?” Janna turns to face me from the front passenger seat.

“Oh, I don’t really know him.” I say a little too quickly. I just don’t feel like explaining Thomas to anyone.

“Jonah? Of course you don’t really know him; you just met him. I mean, what started the fight?”

“Oh that…” I lean back in the cushy seat. “This guy just grabbed me and wouldn’t let go. I guess Jonah was following me because before I knew it punches were thrown.”

“Hmmm…” Janna eyed me suspiciously. She could never conceal her jealousy very well.

“Who was the other guy?”

“What guy?” Crap. My voice just wobbled a bit.

“Your knight in shining armor,” she rolls her eyes. More jealousy. She’s just mad I got fought over tonight and she didn’t.

“Oh, no one. I just met him in class a few days ago. I guess he saw me and came over to help. I”m glad he did. I might be lying back there with Jonah had Thomas not intervened.”

“So his name is Thomas.”

“Yeah,” I try to act nonchalant. Who knows if it’s working. I’m terrible at acting.

“He’s not very cute.” There’s that jealousy trying to trash anything I’m involved in. She gives me a weird look. Kind of scrunches up her nose as if Thomas’ smell offended her as well.

“I didn’t really notice.” I try to brush it off. The last thing I need right now is for Janna to go tell Austin I have a new love interest. Or maybe I do need that…

“I’m sure you did.”

“Not really. I’m not exactly checking out other guys.” I dig into my purse hoping to end the conversation. No such luck.  Joshua decides to jump in.

“What do you mean? Single girls are always on the prowl.”

“Not this one. I still lo–” Crap. I almost said it. “I’m just not interested in having a boyfriend right now. I just want to forget about all that drama for the time being.”

“There’s no such thing as forgetting about boys.” Janna smiles and starts to rub the driver’s shoulder. Joshua glares at her slightly then diverts his attention back to me. Great.

“Are you still hanging on to Austin?”

“No…not really.” I lie. “I’m just not ready to tie myself down.”

“You don’t have to tie yourself down. Just have flings until you are ready for a real relationship.” Janna smiles. It’s kind of a sick smile. It makes me mad.

“Just because you can make out with anything male, doesn’t mean that I can!” The truck gets really quiet. OH CRAP! Did I just let that out? Ok so maybe I’ve been wanting to say that forever but I never thought I’d actually say it to her…at least not to her face. As I see her face get red and a bit twisted I wish that I can grab all those sound waves and force them back into my mouth. Instead I just look around. Joshua is staring at me with a look of shock and admiration. Janna removes her hand from the driver’s should and turns to face the front of the vehicle. Luckily we are pulling into the apartment parking lot. I wait for Janna’s head to burst into flames and consume me in an act of revenge. Instead, she just jumps out of the truck and calmly walks away. The driver withers me with a look and leaves as well.

“I can’t believe you said that!” Joshua helps me out and hits the lock button. “That was awesome!”

“What was awesome?” Asks the guy sitting with Jonah. Joshua relates my verbal vomit to the guys in the flat bed. Jonah laughs lightly then cringes at the pain it causes.

Even as the guys laugh over the remark,  I feel horrible. The urge to run after Janna and apologize rises up in side of me, making my stomach feel tight. But what would I say? I mean, Janna has kissed more guys than I’ve even known in my lifetime. How does one apologize for the telling the truth? Sure my tact was off but I can’t walk up to her and say, “Sorry that you are a slut.” Nope, not too tactful, obviously my current issue. “Sorry for saying what everyone else was thinking?” No, that doesn’t work either. I could run up to her crying and yell most sincerely, “I DIDN’T MEAN IT!” But that would not be the truth. Maybe we can all just ignore it for a while and eventually it will go away. We can act like nothing happened. That’s worked for people before.

I jump from the truck and walk as fast as the pinching high heels will allow. THE HEELS! I am wearing Janna’s clothes. Now I have to see her. CRAP…or wait, maybe Joshua can give them back to her. I’ll wash them, fold them very nicely, and send them back with him.

“Sapphira!” I hear Joshua call from behind me. I turn to face him. He’s running fast towards me; the other guys are slowly trudging behindcarrying the wounded Jonah. I wait for Joshua to catch up to me.

“Are you going back to your room?” he asks.

“Yeah, I have to get out of these clothes, wash them, and get them back to her. Could you give them to her for me? I don’t think she will want to see me for a while.”

“She’ll get over it.” We turn towards the building and proceed to the door.

“I don’t know. Even if it’s true, I was pretty mean.” Suddenly, I realize that I’m not as afraid of losing Janna as a friend, but more so of her reputation. “She usually gets revenge…do you think she’ll try to do anything to me?”

“I doubt it. I’ll talk to her. Plus she’s a bit drunk so I betcha she’ll have forgotten everything by tomorrow. She’ll be more concerned with her headache than what you said to her.”

“I hope so, but I doubt it. UH! I wish I could just go talk to her.” I worry that she’ll bring Austin into this. I picture her telling him about Thomas and bring up some story about how I have a new boyfriend.

“I doubt she’ll open the door to you right now. Just chill for a bit. It’ll all smooth over.”

“This sucks.” I open the door to my apartment.  A random guy is passed out on the couch. No doubt a victim of my roommates party lifestyle.  “Thanks Joshua.”

“I don’t know what for but you’re welcome.” He hugs me and rushes off to his own place. I grab a white tea from the fridge and lock myself into my room. At times I worry about the random drunk guys mistaking my door for Britney’s and trying to come into my room. I switch on the TV to the late night news and pick up the clothes scattered around my room. I paused to take a sip of the tea and notice thenauseating smell of stale smoke. I pull my hair towards my nose and find the smell trapped in the teased curls. A shower will wipe away any evidence of this evening from my body if not my memory.